Friday, May 06, 2005
Tom Cruise I'm Calling You OUT!!!
You've gone too far.
The line has been crossed.
You've fucked up buddy, and I'm pissed. I'm gonna git you sucka, and I'm gonna git you good!
You're messing with my Katie!
Yes, I know I'm in a relationship already with Nicole Richie, but that's just for the sex. Katie is something special to me.
She'd be my soul mate, if I still had a soul. But I like her a lot and I hate that she's being led around by you, you big Hollywood Cocksucker.
Look at how ridiculous you two look together. You're a fucking Keebler elf for crying out loud! I bet you had to stand on a stack of old "Top Gun" videocassettes to even appear this tall in the picture.
I know you read this butt-log Mr. Cruise. That's why I've written this letter to you.
Read it sucka!
It has come to my attention that you have used your powers of evil to ensnare the lovely Katie Holmes. It has been reported that you are with her because you want to
I don't know if this is true. I don't know if it is false. All I know is that Katie is mine motherfucker! She doesn't need you, or your millions of dollars, or your fancy
This is unacceptable, and I'm issuing the challenge for once and for all in front of God and everyone. Me and you Tommy Boy, in a steel cage match, no holds barred fight to the finish. The winner gets the lovely Katie Holmes. The loser gets a nice funeral.
So what do you say chump? I'll be waiting.
But wait there's more.
Seeing as how I now have to fight the guy, providing he's not yellow of course, I did some looking around. A little recon if you will, on the pretty boy, and here's what I found out.
First of all, this fucker is little, way smaller than he appears on the screen. The camera just makes him look bigger, and he uses things like platform shoes, tiny co-stars, and other tricks of the trade to look big. Here is the official chart that shows the heights of several leading actors. You'll note that Tom Cruise barely clears five feet. He's tiny! What do you want to bet his pecker is teeny tiny too?
Not long after finding this, I discovered that like most things in Hollywood, this was compromised of grade A Bullshit. My Zombie-Razzis came through with the real scoop. They obtained some candid photos of Tiny Tom playing basketball with a friend and attending some sort of gathering with his family. The pictures don't lie, and they show Tom to be not just short, but fucking Dwarflike!
Here he is playing basketball. Man that dude he's going up against looks tough!
Here he is at the family event.
But the best photo came from my top man, who was fortunate enough to capture Tiny Tom without his Hollywood makeup on. You'll see that Tom looks much different without stylists, artists, trick cameras, and all that horseshit. He's a big phony baloney, and now he's been exposed.
See for yourself.
Here's the photo as released to the press.
And here's the untouched Tom before the Hollywood Magic is applied.
It's all true people. Tom Cruise is a monster and he must be stopped. Katie is still hot, and there's still time. But we have to act now. Look at what he did to Nicole Kidman. She used to be pretty, now she looks like a space alien.
He'll do the same to Katie if we let him. I for one say enough is enough and it's time to take out the trash.
Who's with me?