Learn all about the flyboy. Or not.
But not as sexy as me! HoooooWAHHHHH!!!
Don't say I didn't warn you sucker!
Mercy is for the weak!
It's smart Jerry! It's smart! And I'm not dumbing it down for you!
This is the best game in history!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Brains! Brains! Brains! It's FAAAAAAAAAAT ZOMBIE!!!!!!!

And I'm gonna sing a song for you.
And maybe eat a pie or two.
You'll have some fun now with me and my big thing.
Learning from each other, we'll do everything.

Na, na, na, gonna have a good time!
Brains! Brains! Brains!

Na, na, na, gonna have a good time!
Brains! Brains! Brains!

This is fat zombie coming on you with semen and fun. And if you're not careful, you may get knocked up before it's done. Brains! Brains! Brains!

Na, na, na, gonna have a good time!

Na, na, na, gonna have a good time!

Na, na, na, gonna have a good timeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!


A few weeks ago I realized that I was morbidly obese. This should come as no surprise for those of you who have seen me, and really, it shouldn't have been a surprise for me either, but people tend to be the best at fooling themselves. This I know to be true.

In terms of self-foolery, my delusions of fitness were extreme. My current measurements are this:

Height 10 feet
Weight 1000 pounds

How the fuck I ever thought I was even remotely fit I'll never know. Perhaps it's all the extra strength acid they are now putting in KFC, or maybe it's just insulin shock induced, brain bullshit.

The clues were there.

Constant sweating.

Tremendous body odor.

Being stalked by Richard Simmons.

I just ignored them, and lived in a little place some people call "Fantasy Land".

But them days are over people. I've been working out. I'm trying to eat healthy. I've cut back on a lot of things that I just love, love, love. For instance, a normal breakfast for me used to consist of 7 whole chickens, 4 deep fried downer cows, 3 extra large swine hearts, (raw and bloody) 4 endangered California Condoor eggs, a freshly tossed salad with Italian dressing, and two gallons of human breast milk (mixed with African albino rhino horn extract).

That was the old me though, and this is the new. Sacrifices had to be made for the greater good. My health is priority number one now.

So I eliminated the salad.

And boy do I feel great!

I've also bought this really cool body fat scale, which means that not only will it tell you how fucking much you weigh, but what a big fat loser pig person you are. It is so advanced that it groans when you get on, and breathes a sigh of relief when you step off. If you're over your recommended weight and fat guidelines, it is programmed to make "oink, oink" noises, take a picture of you, and submit it to www.chubbychasers.com.

And if that's not scary enough, the thing tests your fat by shooting electrical currents into the bottoms of your feet, and from there, the rest of your body. There's a big warning for people with pacemakers, and shit, to NOT use this thing. Luckily for me, I don't have to worry about this, because not only do I not have a pacemaker, I don't even have a fucking heart.

So I guess being a ruthless bastard comes in handy now and again.

Anyway, all this shit about electricity and death was something I didn't realize until I took it home and read the instructions. Had I known, I might have chickened out and not bought it. But buy it I did, and fortunately for me, the entire process is physically painless.

Mentally? It's excruciating.

But hey, you have to know where you stand before you can make a plan right?


Aw fuck you. What do you know?

Ok. I'm pretty much done here, but before I go, as a public service, I'd like to list for you, the top ten warning signs of being "too damn fat".

10. There's a whaling ship circling your house.
9. On every restaurant in town's "All You Can Eat" buffet sign, there is a small piece of fine print that says, "Except for you" written underneath.
8. Your farts smell like Big Macs.
7. You now not only have an ass in the back, but an ass in the front as well. Wiping either of your gigantic asses, is of course, an impossibility.
6. Your furniture moves more in the course of a day than you do.
5. Your preferred method of travel is to fold in your arms and legs, and roll down hills, crushing any and all old people, pets, and small children who get in your way.
4. Your blood type is Ham.
3. You make Sally Struthers look like Nicole Richie.
2. You haven't seen your feet or genitals for over 20 years.
1. You take a shit and when you look at it, it looks so much like a Baby Ruth candy bar, that you grab it out of the crapper and take a big chewy bite. The taste is horrible of course, yet you continue to eat it until it's gone, because free candy is free candy after all.

My second public service to you is this link, which will help out all you uninformed fucks who don't know the glory of the Fat Albert song, on which I spoofed and goofed. I'm sure Bill is preparing a lawsuit at this very moment.

Listen To The Original Song

Oh well, if he does, I'll just eat him or something. It's been a while since I've eaten an elderly comic. I'm kind of due.

I bet he tastes like pudding pops.

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