Zombie Pie Fight!!!!

Over the hills and far away.

2008-04-29T18:21:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow has become our yesterday.

Endless, nameless, dreams, delusions.

Nightmares, laughter, sweat, confusion.

Go away.

Just...

Go...

AWAY........

All I gotta do is... Act naturally.

2006-03-27T17:59:00.000-08:00

Hey there friends and fiends, this isn't what I originally had planned to post, but due to the news of Country Music Legend, Buck Owen's passing, I thought it would be appropriate to acknowledge my old buddy today instead.

I met Buck back in 1964. He was red hot after hitting number one with "Love's Gonna Live Here". I on the other hand, was a struggling song writer barely making ends meet. He heard me playing my setlist of banging tunes one night, and we had drinks after the show. He told me, "Man, your music isn't that good, but the way you get all those women to strip naked and hump long-necks is something else!" We exchanged numbers, but I didn't think much of it until a few years later.

I was enjoying success with my album, "101 Ways To Shove A Dead Chicken Up Your Ass", which had been steadily climbing the charts for the first half of 1968, while Buck was still cranking out hit after country hit.

"Zombie," I remember Buck saying enthusiastically on the phone that warm July day. "I've got a gig lined up that I think you'll be perfect for. It's a country music style variety show with jokes, music, and all the tits and ass anyone could ever want. Why don't you get your dead ass down here and we'll fuck some of those sweeties and do a little coke? Then afterwards we can work out the details of the television show."

I agreed, and by August, we were filming a test pilot for a little tv show some of you might have heard of called HEE HAW. It was dorky as shit, but it was a lot of fun too. The on set, off camera orgies had to be seen to believed. There was bestiality galore, corn cob dildos, moonshine enemas, crotch vomiting, and queefing like I've never heard before or since. We were elbow deep in sinful depravity, and I was loving it.

So what happened? Why don't any of you remember me starring in HEE HAW? Sadly, the fuckfaces over at CBS decided in their infinite wisdom to replace me with Roy Clark. They thought the show had potential, but the test audiences were frightened of a banjo playing zombie with a super large cock. They said I would frighten old ladies and small children, that I just wasn't a wholesome enough element.

Buck with my replacement, the wholesome Roy Clark.

Just like that, my future as co-host of the long running HEE HAW show was no more.

It's ok though. It's a great memory, and Buck was a hell of a lot of fun. There are plenty more crazy stories to be told, but I guess this is enough of a stroll down memory lane for one day, so I'll leave it at that.

So long old buddy.

Rest in peace Buck!

***

The answer to the my BIG GUESS WHO WEEKEND was Mick Mars. I'm sorry to say that there were no winners and no prizes awarded, but I did have a ton of fun reading all of your guesses. Better luck next time, and thanks for playing!

Hooray! It's a BIG GUESS WHO WEEKEND!

2006-03-25T03:11:00.000-08:00

That's right folks, it's a new era of fun and amusement here at Zombie Pie Fight. Today is the first, of what I'm sure are to be many, BIG GUESS WHO WEEKENDS.

Now, I know you're skeptical. I'm sure you're wondering how much this is going to cost you, and if I accept Visa, Paypal, or wet sloppy Blowjobs.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Silly reader. This game is FREE. And if you guess who this is, you might even win a prize. Maybe.

So have at it lezzies and germs. It's time to play!

Do you know who this is?

Here is your clue: This is not Garth Brooks.

Answer to be revealed at the bottom of the next exciting and porn filled update.

This town needs an enema...

2006-03-20T23:40:00.000-08:00

So hey, I don't have a lot to say today, but I was thinking about something I do and wondering if it was ~~really fucked up~~ weird. Ok, since it's me we're talking about, I guess the answer is YES!

Here's the thing. I kind of like things perfect, or as perfect as I can make them, and when I fix something to eat, it just seems wrong to put hot food on a cold plate, so what I do is warm up the plates and bowls in the microwave just before it's time to use them.

Warm plates/bowls + Warm food = A happier dining experience for Zombie.

I don't know anyone who does this besides me. Am I really that deranged, fucked up, and brain buggered, or do you think this is kind of clever?

Do any of you monkeys do such a thing as this?

Or do any of you just have some weird type thing you do in general when you eat such as vomiting on your food ala BrundleFly, or leave things in the fridge until they're green but still eat them anyway because it's 4 am and mistress natty lite has made you very, very, hungry?

Let me know ok.

Or fucking don't.

The choice is yours.

This site has been shut down for being too cool.

2006-03-20T01:15:00.000-08:00

Ain't it a bitch?

I'll get it straightened out. I know people.

My fame continues to grow...

2006-03-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, my fame throughout the land is quite legendary. Not a day goes by without someone wanting me to take a bite of their brains, autograph their breasts, or give them a glance at my magnificent giant slalom.

I'm usually just going about the ordinary business of the day when this happens too. You know, the normal daily stuff, such as trips to the liquor store, visiting whore-houses, scoring up some H, and taking in the occasional porno film at the adult bookstore.

It's getting to the point that I can go nowhere without causing a stir.

But that's ok. It's just fame. I enjoy it.

HEY GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!

*Smiles*

Now where were we?

Oh yes, my point is that I am bigger than ever.

And I'm not just saying that because I gained 250 pounds over the last couple of months!

Nope, I'm talking about sure signs that a person has arrived. For instance, like when people start to make things about you. This is the kind of cool shit that proves you're somebody in the world.

Like this guy.

I'm somebody now!

Anyway, here is something that I thought kicked ass. It's me in action figure form. How fucking cool is that?

And here's something else I thought was cool. A friend of mine who is known worldwide as the ninja of knitting, MadameD, emailed me this picture.

Evidently someone made some knit figures of the original "Dawn Of The Dead" zombies. Quite frankly, I think this kicks more ass than a meth milkshake with a cherry painted rock on top.

The one on the left is the Hare Krishna zombie.

The middle one is the nurse zombie.

The one in the middle front is of course, me, the famous Zombie Flyboy!

I am having a hard time figuring out who the one on the right is though, and it's really driving me crazy. Anyone know which one it is? I guess I should go watch the movie again and see if I can figure it out.

Anyway, it's all just further evidence of my growing fame. Yep, I've made it in the world. I'm a real go getter, a big fat fucking famous amos if there ever was one.

...

...

...

Now excuse me. I have to go take out the garbage and wash the birdshit off of my truck.

Later!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2006-03-17T06:22:00.000-08:00

click to rebigulate

"The scariest movie I have seen since "Cannonball Run III". -Roger Ebert

I'm gonna be drunk a lot this week.

2006-03-12T23:00:00.000-08:00

There’s not much that can be done about it.

Hey, when mistress Natty Lite comes a knocking, baby I answer the door!

However, I want you all to know that my drunkedness will NOT affect the quality (HAHAHAHAHAHA) of my posting, no, not even a teeny tiny monkey pube’s worth.

So how was everyone’s weekend? Did you get laid? Watch a movie? Do lots of good dope?

Mine wasn’t too bad. We got our first big storm of the year including a tornado. I wish it had happened during the day, as I have a buddy who is a storm chaser, and sometimes I ride along. It's cool. It’s just like going riding around with a cop, except instead of chasing drug dealers, burglars, and big tittied hos, we chase big crazy tornados which can create suction and wind forces well in excess of the one hundred mile per hour range.

Hmmm. Now that I think about it, I know a few big tittied hos who can do the same thing, so maybe it’s not THAT different than riding around with the cops after all.

Anyway, the storms were out and about Saturday and Sunday. The storm prediction guys had a super cell tracked and heading my way, but I wasn’t worried. My little piss-ant po-dunk town was though. They blew the civil defense sirens and you should have seen the people get the fuck out of dodge. They fucking split! You’d have thought Rosie O’Donnell was dancing through the neighborhood naked, globs of fat bouncing and shimmering hypnotically in the strobe like effect of the lightning strikes, while fat Britney and greasy Kevin follow closely behind, happily licking the shit-stains out of her rancid fart hole.

I have to tell you, if all that was going on, I'd have left too. But that wasn’t the case. All we had was a tornado on the way, and although I do have recurring dreams about them, I am not afraid. You see, when I was a young zombie I was taught by an old medicine man how to handle the storms. He told me that if I found a stump, and drove an axe into it, the storm would split and go around. Unfortunately, I don’t have a stump anywhere handy or an axe, so that plan was definitely out.

I do have a kickass plan b though, and this is what I do. I go outside and look in the general direction the storm is coming from. Then I glare at it really mean. I shake my fist. Then I point my pointy finger of doom (I learned this trick from a special friend) at the storm and yell things like, “You call yourself a storm? I’ve seen queefs that were louder and windier than you! Is that all you got storm? Is that all? I hope it’s not, because I am going to fist you right in that big fat funnel cloud cunt. I’m going to smack you around for bringing that weak shit in here, because I’m the Juggernaut Bitch!”

This works every time, and I have yet to have any tornados take me up on my challenge. They always veer off like the craven pig nipples that they are. It’s just as well really, as I’d rather save up my energy for more productive tasks, like binge drinking, giving people the herp, and digging up shocking secrets about Flange Simpson.

We got some hail though. It was about the size of the big marbles. I think they are called shooters. I’m not positive on this, as I wasn’t born in 1935. Sorry. I picked up a handful and took a picture that I was going to post, because the hail was cool, but my stupid camera is the suck and the picture turned out looking like baboon ass.

So no picture of the hail for you, do not piss go, do not fuck for two hundred dollars.

And that was pretty much my weekend.

Burppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp!

Steal My Birthday And You WILL Go Down.

2006-03-10T01:58:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I recently discovered that the no talent sperm receptacle Jessica Simpson had stolen my birthday.

This angered me greatly.

As many of you also know, when I get mad, I get even. So off to my million dollar research facilities, hidden somewhere in the mountains of lower Kanza-Loompara, I went. I had only been there a few minutes when my special ZOM-CO brand computers (patent pending) began to spit out some alarming data. I checked and I double checked to make certain no errors had been made. I narrowed the parameters. I reconfigured the flux capacitor. I pounded the flange hydrocellator.

I even drank some purple soda, but that is another experiment for another time.

The results remained the same.

A shocking correlation had been discovered.

I just had to make sure.

So finally, I ran the last test with my own ZOM-CO brand facial recognition software (patent pending). My software is always right, and never fucks up the way that shit software did a while back. You know, the shit software that said I looked like super tardo Juliet Lewis.

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE THIS!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway.

Here is what my investigation has uncovered...

Jessica Simpson is really Michael Jackson!

Click To Enlarge

This is a time lapsed montage of Jessica Simpson's disguise being broken down and removed by my super awesome ZOM-CO brand computer and special ZOM-CO brand software (patent pending).

Now you know why you've never seen pictures of the two of them taken together. Now you know why Nick divorced her skeezy over-rated and untalented poop-hole.

But this is only the beginning I'm sure. My awesome as fuck ZOM-CO brand computers (patent pending) are still on the job and I'm not through with this birthday stealing shit blister by a long shot.

Stay tuned for more dirt and shocking secrets.

Booyah!

When there's no more room in hell... The dead will go roller skating.

2006-03-08T00:44:00.000-08:00

I think rigor mortis has finally set in. I'm very stiff, but not in the good way.

Bah! Ha! Ha! Ha!

But seriously...

Last night I did something that might surprise a lot of you folks. That's because all most of you know about is the fuck shit piss hell cock assblister fecal fetching cunt funnel side of me. It's a lovely side to know, sure, but there is more to me than that.

Anyway, I went to a skate birthday party thing last night.

Yeah.

You heard me.

I ~~skated~~ clomped and stomped, only busting my ass once or twice, but shit man, skating is a hell of a lot more tiring than I remember it being and I'm a little sore. I definitely don't think I have a future as a skating carhop at one of those "authentic" 1950's style diner type places.

I had suspected, but completely discovered last night, that roller skates and zombies mix about as well as Zombies and "Tiny" Tom Cruise.

Or Zombies and Retarded Rosie.

Or Zombies and She-Beast Simpson.

Anyway, you get the idea.

But I went because it was important to a little girl who means all the world to me, and that's all that matters.

I hate myself and want to die.

2006-03-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

So I was traveling around a while back, and during those travels, I went to this little hole in the wall diner type place. There wasn't a smoking or non-smoking section, which was kind of different but didn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things, as the entire place reeked of chili.

Chili happened to be the special of the day.

I did not order the chili.

But as I was reading the menu, I noticed they had a breakfast challenge. The deal was, if you could eat four and a half pounds of pancakes, then you got it for free.

This of course, got me to thinking, how many pancakes would that actually be?

By my guess, you'd have to eat between 35-60 pancakes to win that challenge. Maybe some of you out there who cook can actually figure out a real number for me.

Anyway, the point is, you'd have to eat a shitload of those suckers to get a free breakfast. I know for a fact that if I eat more than two or three, I feel like my stomach is going to fucking explode, or that it's all going to come back up.

Also figure that you're going to need syrup, and that pancakes are notorious for soaking up tons and tons of syrup. You will need several bottles worth at least. If you want butter, then you're probably going to need a big tub of that too. And if you want something to drink, which of course you will, then that will make you fill up even faster.

So I think this challenge is impossible.

What do y'all think?

P.S. I ordered a cheeseburger.

It wasn't bad.

The first rule of Zombie Pie Fight is, that you do not talk about Zombie Pie Fight.

2006-03-05T01:49:00.000-08:00

The second rule of Zombie Pie Fight is, that you DO NOT talk about Zombie Pie Fight.

Well I'm about to break that rule, so fuck it, and fuck you. Rules were made to be pissed on like scented urinal cakes and stepped all over like limp-dicked suck it all no back-boned fuckity fucks.

I get asked questions from time to time, but the most frequent one always is one variation or another of, "Zombie Flyboy, what does all this mean?", and the answer to that is simply this: Poonami Wasabi. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Seriously, I've dedicated my life to it. It's what I'm about, and it's what my site is about. So there you go. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle!

I've also been asked what the title to my site actually is, and what it means. I guess it's because my url says one thing, and my banner says another. The official title is Zombie Pie Fight!!!!

Fun With Zombies, and undead fisting action are just subtitles, put there because the voices in my head told me to do that. And believe you fucking me, Sandy D, it would be very bad to go against the voices in my head. Real bad.

Michael Jackson BAD!

Yes Madame D, I used this picture again just for you!

So what does it mean? What the hell is a Zombie Pie Fight? Easy, one of my favorite movies is the original "Dawn Of The Dead", and at the end of it, guess what? There is a pie fight between zombies and a biker gang. It's fucking insane, and just as damn weird as it sounds. Maybe even weirder. I remember watching that for the very first time. I just looked at it, and one thought kept racing back and forth across the pothole filled highways of my mind. The thought was this: "What the fuck? Ha! Ha! Ha! What the fuck? Ha! Ha! Ha! What the fuck? Ha! Ha! Ha!"

So that's where the name came from and why it is used. I know more than once after posting something, I've thought, "What the fuck? Ha! Ha Ha!", and I know for a fact that some of you readers have thought something along similar lines. So there you have it. If that made no sense, it's because you're really stupid, and there is no hope for you. Please leave immediately and get back to watching "According To Jim".

Another thing I've been asked is, if this is a site about zombies, how come I never talk about zombies? Well people, I have done that. But just as my interests are not confined to one single thing in life, neither shall my buttlog be. I've discussed horror movies and the undead here, and will do so again, because these matters are near and queer to my cold dead heart. I'll also talk about what is going on in the world, my life, pop-culture, gigantic asses, and whatever else the fuck I want to talk about. If you don't like it, suck my giant slalom and don't even think about spitting.

Ok, I guess that'll be enough about my site for now. I'm getting bored writing about it, and I'm pretty sure you're getting tired of reading about it. I do have one more thing to say before I end this, and it is mainly for the purposes of clearing up some confusion created in my last puke inducing post. The confusion seems to be that it was my birthday, or that my birthday was coming up. It is not, and was not my birthday. I was just attempting to convey how upsetting it was to learn that I shared the same birthday as a true wretched skid mark on the underpants of humanity. I couldn't have felt any worse than if I'd just learned that my grandfather was Hitler.

Not Zombie Flyboy's Grandfather!!!

That would have been pretty hard to take too. Ugh.

Thanks anyway for the happy birthdays though. I appreciate it.

Really.

Oh horrible and cruel FATE! Why must you constantly shove broken beer bottles up my ass?

2006-03-02T01:30:00.000-08:00

Ladies, gentlemen, transexuals of all ages...

I have learned of something horrible and I am so upset that I could angrily anal fist entire countries, continents, and even the entire populations of planets.

I WANT BLOOD!

I WANT REVENGE!

This calls for my special prayer of anger.

Oh great spirit of movie and television tough guy TELLY SAVALAS, I conjure and pray for advice from thee. What should I do in this time of trouble? How can I fart in the face of adversity and piss down the throat of persecution? Let forth the light from your mighty bald pate and maketh it to shine down upon me. Grant me wisdom and guide my mighty hand, so that it will strike true and swift. Give me the strength to remove the dark sided and tainted one who has ruined my life.

I feel like chicken tonight! Like chicken tonight!

Amen..

This situation is way worse than the time my dad took me to go see city heat.

It's worse than Richard Simmon's hair.

It's worse than Michael Jackson's plastic surgery.

It's worse than this website (I wouldn't click that if I were you.) .

It's worse than anything.

For you see...

I just learned that this awful.

And thing most foul.

Shares the same birthday.

AS ME!

And fuck am I pissed about it.

This isn't over you birthday stealing, over-rated, brain dead jizz fart. Not by a long shot.

The only two people allowed to be born on my b-day are me, and my father Fred Gwynne.

Bad things are going to happen pizza puss. Very bad things.

To you.

Not me.

I have written down your name in my book of rage.

Psssshawwwwww.

Uh oh Spaghetti-O!

2006-03-01T01:16:00.000-08:00

It's time for another WEIRD QUESTION!

You are offered $1 million dollars. Here is the deal, you can only consume food that has been pre-chewed for you into an oozey paste-like fluid.

What will happen, is that everytime you get hungry, you'll have to let the food chewer know. He/she will go get what you want to eat and chew it all up for you and then spit the saliva paste mixture into your mouth like a momma bird feeding its baby. This will go on for the rest of your life.

So, do you take the money and live the liquid diet lifestyle?

Yes or No?

There is definitely a glitch in the matrix here.

2006-02-27T01:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, the other day, I was at Dawn's fantabulous site and came across this thing called my heritage.

It's basically a face recognition program that scans your face and then tells you who you look like. I guess the plan is to help you track down long lost relatives or some shit. I don't know. What I do know, is that I was intrigued, and had to try it out for myself.

So how did my scan go?

Well, let's just say that my ugly, beastly, mug, really, and I mean REALLY fucked that sucker up. For the tiny, tiny, tiny, few who read this buttlog and have actually seen me, prepare to laugh.

This is pretty weird.

My matches.

David Blaine

OK. He's ugly, I'm ugly. I don't look exactly like this, but we both share the same hateful expression, have stupid looking facial hair, and mean eyes. Plus we are both magical. So this one is pretty far off, but we do share a few things in common I guess.

Dalida: (January 17, 1933 - May 3, 1987) was an Egyptian-born singer, of Italian origin, making her career in France. She received 55 golden records and was the first songstress to get a diamond disc.

I didn't know her, so thought I'd post some details. I don't know that I look anything like that, being a MAN and all, but at least she's kinda pretty. It does kind of concern me that my next to the best match for who I look like was a woman though.

Selma Blair

Come on My Heritage. Come on. Selma is a hot chick. Rob Schneider is a hot chick. I am NOT a HOT CHICK! I look nothing like this. Ok, maybe our basic features look a little alike, and I do mean a little, but shit man. Why does this thing keep saying I look like a girl? Fucker!

Lukas Moodysson: A swedish filmmaker.

I had no idea who he was so provided a little info. I am more this guys color than the previous people, and I do look a tiny bit like him. But once again, not very damn much. Oh well, at least it's saying I'm a man again.

Liam Aiken: Born January 7th, 1990, in New York City, it was apparent from the beginning that Liam was a natural actor. With his eyes and facial moves, he has been compared to Jim Carrey, but when it comes to character portrayals, Liam is his own person, with his own unique style. Liam attends school and when on the set, he has a tutor who gives him his homework.

Now I look like a fucking child? What is this crap? Bah! Fooey! I do have cool eyes and facial moves though.

Namie Amuro: Amuro Namie was one of the most popular pop singers in Japan during the 90s and perhaps the most successful of all time. Namie's musical talent and dance abilities combined with her charisma and uncanny stage presence has won the hearts of fans all around the world.

This one is pretty far off, but not as much as I first thought. I guess my asian matches come from my native american heritage. Yeah, my irish and whatever else fucked up my tan, making me a white, sunshine hating freak, but I do have some non-caucasion features . And once again My Heritage, I am not a woman! Jeez.

Juliette Lewis

I am getting very, very, confused. Do I look like a woman? Do I look like this tardo? Maybe? No? Fuck if I know!

Emmy Rossum: Starred in "The Day After Tomorrow" and "Mystic River".

I think she's quite pretty, but I can say for damn certain I look nothing like her. Nothing. If I did, she would be working in a meat packing plant in South Dakota or something, as she'd be too ugly to star in movies. I do have female relatives who look kind of like that though. Sort of. Hmmm.

Mamoru Oshi: Born August 8, 1951 in Tokyo is a Japanese animation and live-action film writer and director. Presently, Oshii lives in Atami, Shizuoka prefecture, Japan with his dogs Â a basset hound named Gabriel and a mutt named Daniel.

Well, the good news is that I at least match another guy. However, I look NOTHING like that. I don't know where the match came from there. No idea at all. Maybe the round face. My face is a little roundish.

Ashley Olsen

Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag. I am the long lost Olsen Triplet. Now it can be told. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Well, that was fun and more than a little strange. You all should definitely give it a try. See if it does better for you than me. If you took the top four and morphed them together, you might be able to come up with something that looks a little like me. It's possible I guess.

I really do think people who are mutts with questionable pedigrees like me are harder to scan. I think that's why it thought I was white, jewish, italian, and whatever else.

I still am not sure why it thinks I look like all these women though. Believe me, I am all man baby.

RAWWWRRRR.

Don't make me whip out my GIANT SLALOM!

RIP X 2

2006-02-26T23:09:00.000-08:00

Don Knotts

Rest in peace Mr. Knotts. You rocked. You made me laugh. You were a genius. You'll be missed. What more can I say?

Darren McGavin

A lot of you might only know him from his hilarious stint as Ralphie's leg-lamp loving dad in "A Christmas Story", but a long time ago McGavin also starred in a tv show called "Kolchak: The Night Stalker". I was a big fan when I was little, and it helped to warp my mind into the horror freak that I am today. Rest in peace.

Just a thought.

2006-02-25T03:44:00.000-08:00

This is just a thought I had. A crazy little thought.

A certain female is to blame for all of this, even though she doesn't realize it. But the seeds for this idea are all on her. Who is she? I'll give you a hint. Her initials start with Bucky and end with Four-Eyes.

So if you figure out who I'm talking about, good on you.

Anyway, here's what I was thinking. Work with me on this you magnificent fucks. Ok?

If Julie Andrews were uglier, constipated, and a lesbian, she would be Jane Hathaway from "The Beverly Hillbillies".

Am I right? Am I right?

I say YES!

Olympic Fever!

2006-02-23T01:25:00.000-08:00

Ok, who here has Olympic fever?

How many of you have been chain smoking cigarettes like there is no tomorrow, anxiously awaiting the scores and medal totals to be posted? Can I see a show of hands please?

Ha ha ha ha. That's what I thought!

Man, do the Winter Olympics suck harder than a Hoover vacuum cleaner controlled by the robotic android brain of a dead two-dollar whore or what?

Yes they do.

Fucking Olympics. Just take a look at some of the events.

Curling?

Oooooooh. Better not have a heart condition when you play that shit, it's INTENSE!

The luge?

Hold me back baby, hold me the fuck back!

Nordic Combined...

What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? How is that fun?

Giant Slalom...

This doesn't look like must see TV to me, but the name is a little catchy. Hmm. I think I'm going to start calling my penis the Giant Slalom. Yes. That could work quite nicely.

Anyway, you get the point. The Winter Olympics are a joke. The only reason we even have them is to give white people a way to win medals.

Plus, the French and Russian Judges are big fat cheating sacks of shit.

So suck it Olympics.

Suck my big fat Giant Slalom and swallow!

That is all.

If a zombie posts in the abandoned buttlogger forest, will anyone hear it?

2006-02-21T01:04:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time. I don't know if anyone still comes here or not. I know I haven't been here since my last post a few months ago, and it feels pretty strange to be back. I'm nervous actually.

I'm sorry I just left all of a sudden like that. It hasn't really been a good last six months for me, with the last three being especially tough.

I'm not going to get into it in great detail here, because I don't feel my problems are any worse or bigger than anyone else's. We all deal with stuff. We all have pain. We all gotta get through it.

Basically what happened was this. I lost a couple of people who were important to me. One was expected, due to a long illness. It didn't make it easier, but at least I could attempt to prepare myself. The other, just happened. It was quick, sudden, shocking.

And I miss them both.

A lot.

So there you have it.

I'm ok.

The nonsense will return. I've really missed reading all the crazy and cool stuff you all write, and I've missed disgusting you with pictures of giant asses.

But most of all, I've missed out on a lot of good laughs. I think it's high time I got around to doing something about that.

Later everyone.

I'll be seeing you around.

Zombie Flyboy

Eggplant! Eggplant! Eggplant! Radish!

2005-12-01T20:09:00.000-08:00

So I've been a little reflective lately, which is kind of rare for a live in the undead moment kind of guy like me, but the death of my old sensei kind of hit me hard and I started to think back on all the things in life I have learned thus far.

I present to you...

TEN TRUTHS

1. Traffic lights are always red when you're in a hurry or late.

2. Ashley Judd makes the same movie over and over again.

3. The big fat tall piece of shit with the ten gallon cowboy hat, newborn baby, crackle-crackle candy wrappers, and 5 ringing cell-phones who took the seat right in front of you at the movies did it on purpose just to annoy you.

4. New shoes are magnets for dogshit, chewing gum, etc...

5. There's never a cop around if you need one. But if you are 5 mph over the limit, or just driving around at night looking suspicious, they're always there to pull you over.

6. Everytime you think of something cool to write, you'll have forgotten what it was by the time you get a chance to actually write it.

7. There is a special place in hell for the type of person who always leaves only a thimble full of milk in the carton, one slice of bread in the package, or a couple of chips and some crumbs in the bag.

8. Tobacco bad. Weed good.

9. Girlfriends will make you stupid, but happy.

10. SuperPisser is right about everything.

Bonus truth!

Morning breath is caused by gremlins who crawl in your mouth and masturbate while you sleep.

That is all for now. Use it wisely my friends.

Saturday I set a new personal best!

2005-11-29T21:05:00.000-08:00

What was it?

I'll never tell...

Because I'm a rotten bastard from rottencity.com.

But it has to do with the number 8.

---

Anyway, I was sitting home sunday, just watching some football and I start to smell smoke. Now, I know I'm smoking hot and all, but this was a different smell entirely, and with me being super paranoid about fire and being burned alive, naturally, this got my attention.

So sniff, sniff, sniff, went my super detecto zombie nose, and I decided that the smell was burning grass, leaves, or wood. It was something natural rather than the plasticy, chemical smell of man made products, so I was a little relieved and figured maybe my house wasn't burning.

After getting up, investigating, and giving it the all clear, I figured maybe someone was burning something outside. This pissed me off big time because we haven't gotten any rain in a long time, (10 inches below normal I think) and it's dry as a fucking bone outside. Add in the fact that the wind was blowing like a $2 whore, (wink wink) at speeds of 60 mph all damn day, and you have a pretty serious fucking fire hazard.

So I put on my idiot stomping boots and went outside to see what dumbasses needed the fuck beat out of them on account of being such shitwits for burning things on a day like this.

I was surprised to find that no one was burning anything. This confused me a little, as I could smell smoke very strongly. I just couldn't see any. It was kind of cloudy and hazy, but still, the smell was strong, and it bugged me that I didn't know where it was coming from.

A short time later, I caught a news alert that was talking about major grass fires popping up all over the place. Roads were being shut down. People were being evacuated.

Shit! I thought. This isn't good. And it's fairly close too, or I wouldn't be able to smell it.

As the news reports got more info, I found out the main fire was about 10 miles away from me, which is kind of scary since the wind was blowing so hard and it was so dry, but luckily for me, I live by a lake, and all the burning was going on on the other side.

So I was safe.

The fires have been out since Monday I think. I wish I had a decent camera so I could take some pictures.

Anyway, hats off to the firemen and volunteers. I can only imagine how fucking hard it was to fight a fire in those conditions.

Catch y'all later!

Happy Thanksgiving Motherfuckers

2005-11-23T19:26:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all.

I never much cared for thanksgiving growing up. I didn't get presents like on my birthday and Christmas. I didn't get to wear a scary costume like Halloween. So I was pretty indifferent when it came to big Turkey Thursday.

Yeah, I hear you, you're saying, but what about the food?

What about it? It never mattered much to me. I've always been kind of a picky eater, and covered dish style dinners where I didn't know what came from who, (whom?) or where it came from always kind of bothered me. So I've never been one to pig out on the holiday, which kind of sucks because most seem to enjoy doing just that.

But lately I've been thinking, which usually results in a brain numbing headache. I really don't know what the fuck is the matter with me, because most of the time I'm not one to just sit around and reflect on things, but it has just been on my mind that I've got a lot to be thankful for, not just this year, but my whole stupid life.

Sure, it has been far from perfect, and pretty damn ugly at times. There's a lot of things I wish were different, and a lot of things I'd most certainly change. The main thing though, is that I've got it pretty good. I've got my health, people I care about, food on the table, a roof over my head, and a helluva big fucking wang-a-saurus rex that just has to be seen to believed.

So I think I kind of get what this holiday is about now, or what it's supposed to be about, and I am thankful for all the great things, both old and new in my life.

And just so you don't think I've gone all fucking soft, or worse yet, started to grow up, here's a picture of a big giant ass for no reason what-so-ever.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Sanford and Son and Sex

2005-11-22T22:55:00.000-08:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a pretty weird title, even for me, but I can explain.

No, I probably won't make you understand, or think me any less a weirdo from planet weird, but that's ok. Because I'm too cool to care baby! Too cool to care.

A few of you might have known that I took a little road trip the last few days with my cool girl, (as long as she's not jealous and pissed off) the knob goblin. The point of the trip wasn't to actually get anywhere so much as it was to just get away, and in that it was pretty successful and fun. We stayed in a couple of different hotels, one being a cheap, out of the way, Norman Bates type place where we registered under the name of Mr. and Mrs. Harry Bush, and the other a bigger, better place with a heated pool, hot tub, and gym.

Both places also had cable, which brings me back to the Sanford and Son thing.

Let me just state here and now that I think Sanford and Son is brilliant, and that Red Foxx was a god among men. I always enjoyed the hell out of that show and still do. But the icing on the proverbial cake of cool, is the show's ultra funky, owns you fucking all, theme music. It's quite possibly the best tv theme ever, and anytime I hear it, I just go fucking insane with happiness.

I have given much thought as to why I enjoy the theme music so much, and have come to some conclusions, some of which are that the music is funky and upbeat, kind of funny, and creates nostalgia for fun memories of growing up. These thoughts may be all partly true, hell I know they are, but after careful consideration and deliberation I discovered why I really love the music so fucking much.

This is why...

The Sanford and Son Theme Song sounds like the ultimate old school porn music.

Think about it.

Watch the show.

Listen and try to tell me I'm wrong people, because you can't. Just can't do it. No way, no how.

So anyway, it was Saturday night, we'd had a fun day of running around, seeing some sights, and just being free to do whatever we wanted. I had been flipping around on the channels and saw that Sanford and Son was coming up soon, so a nasty little plan began to germinate inside the wicked gray matter of my cold and slushy brain.

The plan was simple.

All I had to do was fuck my girl while the glorious, porn-o-riffic S and S theme song played loudly in the background. This was my dream, my quest, my moment for glory. Would I be able to time it right? Would I be able to perform under this kind of pressure? Would the show be pre-empted for some local horseshit news story? Would there be a power outage?

I clenched my fists tightly with nervousness. My heart rate increased. I began to crave cigarettes, black tar heroin, and quaaludes, yet I do not do any of those things.

At long last, the time was at hand, and like the ultra smooth riverboat gambler that I am, I made my play. The goblin was on her hands and knees, I was behind her, arms raised triumphant like Rocky (except with a much bigger schlong), humping and bumping.

The music began to play.

And I was happy.

I was thrilled.

For this is the stuff that dreams are made of.

I've made it world. I've made it.

Epilogue...

A day after we got back, I downloaded and burned the S and S mp3 to a cd and had it sent to her, along with some roses. The note I place inside said two words...

"Poonami Wasabi"

Attention FOX network! I spit on thee! I piss on thee! I SHIT on thee!

2005-11-16T21:33:00.000-08:00

You dirty cum burping bags of puss. I have insider sources that have informed me that you have cancelled my favorite show.

Are you fucking retarded FOX? This show is the great. It's smart. It's funny. It fucking rocks! You wonder why no one watches? Well pull your head out of your ass and maybe you could figure it out twatwaffle. You moved it around. You took it off for ballgames. You took it off to promote your stupid cunting pet projects like "Stacked", starring that ugly manbeast in drag, Sam Anderson.

God do I hate that ugly shitstain.

So is it any wonder that the ratings have never been good? Up yours FOX! You are a pukestain on the toilet rim of the universe, and deserve nothing but comtempt. I strike at you with my poison pen, and one day I promise to personally kick everyone of you stupid fuckers in the piss flaps.

On behalf of all people with taste, I say "FUCK YOU, STRADDLE A BROKEN BEER BOTTLE, and LICK MY NUTS!"

So long my beloved Bluths.

At least I'll have the DVD's.

Oh, and since I'm saying goodbye to all things great, so long Paolo family, it was fun!

And one last thing. GET WELL SICK GIRL! You know I don't like it when you feel bad. Don't make me come up there and feed you soup!

My ass is hotter than yours.

2005-11-14T15:34:00.000-08:00

Hey, I know it's been awhile, and I'm sorry about that. Really, what I do here isn't that important in the grand scheme of things, but I do miss reading the things you all write and shooting the shit with you.

I'm hoping to get some time and visit your sites this week, and hopefully start making some fresh new posts again.

Might even throw a new weird question your way.

Oooooooooh.

Anyway, I'm ok. Just really busy. The last few months haven't been quite how I planned, but that's life.

Later on.

Forget everything you learned in school.

2005-10-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

Ok.

It's Halloween weekend and I thought I'd share something with you. See, this has always been a big holiday for me. I loved dressing up as a kid, and still do. It's fun to be someone else, especially if that someone else is a big bad scary monster.

Anyway, I found this old picture of me as Dracula. I was 7 here I think, and thought I was big shit.

Here's a more current picture of me.

And here's a picture of me in my Halloween costume for this year. It's my scariest one yet I think.

Rock on motherfuckers!

So what are y'all going to be this year?

Brains! Brains! Brains! It's FAAAAAAAAAAT ZOMBIE!!!!!!!

2005-10-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

And I'm gonna sing a song for you.
And maybe eat a pie or two.
You'll have some fun now with me and my big thing.
Learning from each other, we'll do everything.

Na, na, na, gonna have a good time!
Brains! Brains! Brains!

Na, na, na, gonna have a good time!
Brains! Brains! Brains!

This is fat zombie coming on you with semen and fun. And if you're not careful, you may get knocked up before it's done. Brains! Brains! Brains!

Na, na, na, gonna have a good time!

Na, na, na, gonna have a good time!

Na, na, na, gonna have a good timeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

----------

A few weeks ago I realized that I was morbidly obese. This should come as no surprise for those of you who have seen me, and really, it shouldn't have been a surprise for me either, but people tend to be the best at fooling themselves. This I know to be true.

In terms of self-foolery, my delusions of fitness were extreme. My current measurements are this:

Height 10 feet
Weight 1000 pounds

How the fuck I ever thought I was even remotely fit I'll never know. Perhaps it's all the extra strength acid they are now putting in KFC, or maybe it's just insulin shock induced, brain bullshit.

The clues were there.

Constant sweating.

Tremendous body odor.

Being stalked by Richard Simmons.

I just ignored them, and lived in a little place some people call "Fantasy Land".

But them days are over people. I've been working out. I'm trying to eat healthy. I've cut back on a lot of things that I just love, love, love. For instance, a normal breakfast for me used to consist of 7 whole chickens, 4 deep fried downer cows, 3 extra large swine hearts, (raw and bloody) 4 endangered California Condoor eggs, a freshly tossed salad with Italian dressing, and two gallons of human breast milk (mixed with African albino rhino horn extract).

That was the old me though, and this is the new. Sacrifices had to be made for the greater good. My health is priority number one now.

So I eliminated the salad.

And boy do I feel great!

I've also bought this really cool body fat scale, which means that not only will it tell you how fucking much you weigh, but what a big fat loser pig person you are. It is so advanced that it groans when you get on, and breathes a sigh of relief when you step off. If you're over your recommended weight and fat guidelines, it is programmed to make "oink, oink" noises, take a picture of you, and submit it to www.chubbychasers.com.

And if that's not scary enough, the thing tests your fat by shooting electrical currents into the bottoms of your feet, and from there, the rest of your body. There's a big warning for people with pacemakers, and shit, to NOT use this thing. Luckily for me, I don't have to worry about this, because not only do I not have a pacemaker, I don't even have a fucking heart.

So I guess being a ruthless bastard comes in handy now and again.

Anyway, all this shit about electricity and death was something I didn't realize until I took it home and read the instructions. Had I known, I might have chickened out and not bought it. But buy it I did, and fortunately for me, the entire process is physically painless.

Mentally? It's excruciating.

But hey, you have to know where you stand before you can make a plan right?

Right????

Aw fuck you. What do you know?

Ok. I'm pretty much done here, but before I go, as a public service, I'd like to list for you, the top ten warning signs of being "too damn fat".

10. There's a whaling ship circling your house.
9. On every restaurant in town's "All You Can Eat" buffet sign, there is a small piece of fine print that says, "Except for you" written underneath.
8. Your farts smell like Big Macs.
7. You now not only have an ass in the back, but an ass in the front as well. Wiping either of your gigantic asses, is of course, an impossibility.
6. Your furniture moves more in the course of a day than you do.
5. Your preferred method of travel is to fold in your arms and legs, and roll down hills, crushing any and all old people, pets, and small children who get in your way.
4. Your blood type is Ham.
3. You make Sally Struthers look like Nicole Richie.
2. You haven't seen your feet or genitals for over 20 years.
1. You take a shit and when you look at it, it looks so much like a Baby Ruth candy bar, that you grab it out of the crapper and take a big chewy bite. The taste is horrible of course, yet you continue to eat it until it's gone, because free candy is free candy after all.

My second public service to you is this link, which will help out all you uninformed fucks who don't know the glory of the Fat Albert song, on which I spoofed and goofed. I'm sure Bill is preparing a lawsuit at this very moment.

Listen To The Original Song

Oh well, if he does, I'll just eat him or something. It's been a while since I've eaten an elderly comic. I'm kind of due.

I bet he tastes like pudding pops.

I will hit them with a boat. I will throw them in a moat. I will smash them with a house. I will feed them to a mouse. I do not like primitive fucks!

2005-10-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

Because they suckity suck suck...

Zombie I am.

Alright.

It's common knowledge that I'm a hate filled creature who enjoys nothing more than writing the names of his enemies into his book of rage, preparing for the day that these loathsome creatures will taste the fruits of my fury, and drink from the cup of my piss.

Let us begin...

I fucking hate the Amish.

Can't stand them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,I hear you. You're all, "But they're so cute in their home-made, cruelty free, non-sweatshop made clothes. "

To this I merely cluck my tongue with pity, and say, "Pig Snot!"

The Amish are not cute, and their clothing is the suck, unless of course you're in that small minority of dipfucks who masturbate to old reruns of "Little House On The Praire".

Mmmmmm. Nellie Olsen. Mmmmmmmm.

Anyway.

I know for a fact that the Amish do not make all their own clothes. My sources have found out where the Amish clothing comes from, and quite frankly it is shocking. You see, the Amish devils do not watch television or movies. Which is fine. But they also don't want us to watch television or movies. Why? Because they're cocksucking cuntrags, who get off on power. That's why. It's part of their assholish agenda for world conquest.

Back to the point, the Amish get their clothing made by the slave labor of kidnapped actors and actresses. And you so innocently thought that when a celebrity disappeared it was because of re-hab, weight gain, or just being finished.

Wrong!

Hello Mcfly! Hello! Is Anybody home? Butthead!

The brutal Amish overloards have been kidnapping our best and brightest actors for years, forcing them to sew, stitch, and hem, until one day the actor or actress falls ill from eating a diet of rendered hogfat and croaks like a frog with a stick up his ass. (wink wink)

So if there's someone out there you've been wondering about, wondering what happened to him or her, wondering why they are not making movies or tv shows anymore. Now you know.

And knowing's half the battle.

Here's a short list of celebs who have been kidnapped and never heard from again. This is only the tip of the iceberg.

Phoebe Cates

Tesla

Mayim Bialik

Lee Majors

Barbara Mandrell and the Mandrell Sisters

David Faustino

Paul Williams

The Smurfs

Rhonda Shear

Jan Michael Vincent

Paris Hilton

Tina Yothers

Bill Saluga (The you can call me Ray, you can call me Jay guy.)

Ok, so the Paris one was just wishful thinking, but wouldn't it be great if she WAS kidnapped and made to suffer for her crimes against humanity? Fuck right it would be.

Anyway, if this was the only thing those shit eating Amish assholes were up to, it would be enough for my hatred, and deservedly so, but there is much, much more.

Tons more!

What's that you say? "They can't be that bad. They are not monsters. You are all wrong about them Flyboy."

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Foolish and naive readers, oh how I wish I could wake up in the land of make believe that is such a comfort and safety net for you. Oh how I wish I could slide naked down rainbows and not get multi-colored splinters stuck in my ass.

But it ain't happening hoss. No way. No how. The Amish are in fact bloodthirsty monsters. They hate us, and want us to die.

Did you ever see that old movie, "Children of The Corn"? Did you know it's based on a true story? Yep. Stephen King just changed it around a little but the gist of it is the stone cold truth. Amish children will kill you. They're sick. They're demented. They worship corn devils, and they'll kill you dead, dead, dead.

Just look at this monster in training in the photo above and tell me you're not afraid. Look at his little fists clinched with rage and the hatred for modern society in his eyes, and hope like hell he doesn't show up on your doorstep.

Doesn't he look just like Isaaic the young preacher from the movie?

Of course he does.

And look at this girl. She looks innocent enough right? Hell fucking no she doesn't!!! Look at that sinister looking faceless doll.

Your dolls without a face, got no human grace. Your dolls without a fay-hace, fay-hace!!!

It's sick. It's scary. Why would you want to play with something like that, unless you're in the serial killer training program, which make no mistake about it, is definitely what Amish communities are.

But what really angers me about the Amish is the fucking hypocrisy. Those fake fucks are supposed to live like the olden days and be all noble and shit. That's why they don't have cars, electricity, and dildos that laugh instead of vibrate. (wink wink) I'd be ok with this of course if it was true, but it's not. The Amish are faker than wacko jacko's newest nose, and twice as ugly.

These pig faced primitive plain janes do use cars! They hitch hike. I've seen it many, many times. So basically, cars are evil only if you have to pay for them, buy gas, tags, driver's license fees, insurance, and all that. But if you can get a free ride, then fucking go for it brother Jebediah! Go and ride at the expense of others praise be!

If that was the only offense, my rant would be over, but nope, these fuckers do much worse, and this is what really makes me hate them.

They get in my fucking way, driving up and down the roads on their tractors. Tractors that are supposed to be only for work purposes, not for going to Shit-Mart, the ice cream store, or the head shop to buy FFFB comics. Tractors are fucking slow. The fastest ones go in the 30-40 mph range, but most are way, way, slower. I get so fucking mad when traffic is backed up by those shit-eating shenanigans who use their tractors for cars. It makes me furious!!!

If they were serious about their religion, they'd be in horses and buggies. They might cause some traffic problems now and then, but I'd respect what they were doing at least. But this is just prime, grade A, bullshit. These fuckers are just scamming us car-driving folk who have to pay road taxes, fuel taxes, and all kinds of other shit that goes in with the priveledge of owning cars and using public roads. The Amish don't pay shit. They have tax free farm accounts for diesel. They don't have to have a driver's license. They don't even have to wear seat belts, because tractors don't have any!

So screw you Amish asslickers!

You've been called out! I won't rest until I have your heads, and am juggling them with glee, happy in my riddng the world of your evil.

The end.

Praise be brother Jebediah.

Mexican Americans like to answer telephones and say hi to who's on the other end...

2005-10-11T01:31:00.000-07:00

Ok.

Two things.

First, I forgot to mention this, but for anyone interested, (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!) the Tomkat baby has Katie's eyes, eyebrows, and nose, plus the highlighted long hair on the sides. The top hair, mouth, jawline, and chin all belong to Tiny Tom.

Second, I guess spam has really gotten to be a problem on the blogger comments as I've had to fill in the mystery word to post to other people's shit. I don't mind this at all, but I would like to kick the shit out of whatever genius decided that the letters should be all swishy and bendy, as if seen through a glass of water or something.

I hate that. It makes the letters hard to read, and I ruined my eyes long ago from staring at porn and jerking off. I'm damn near blind.

So I guess I'm just fucked.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Mother, motherfuck, mother, motherfuck, fuck. Motherfuck, motherfuck, noich, noich, noich.

2005-10-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

Ok.

I'm really happy with how things went with the extreme zombie buttlog makeover. The responses were all positive except for Dan in Delaware who wrote:

"You have shit. You are shit. You kill shit. You stink shit. You fuck shit. You wear shit. You grab shit. You salt shit. You poop shit."

Hmmm.

Pretty weird, but thanks for the feedback Dan.

Anyway, the buttlog was received well I think, but I have to tell you this wasn't my first choice for a design. Like most of the events in history, my layout came about through a series of mis-calculations, blunders, and pure dumb luck. It could have turned out very different if even one thing or sequence of events had been altered.

For instance, think back to the Revolutionary War. What would have happened if Paul Revere had been getting his knob bobbed by some scarlet lady, and instead of yelling, "The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!", he just yelled, "I'm coming! I'm coming! Ooooh right there baby. Right fucking there." instead???

Things might have been pretty different.

Or what if instead of saying, "Let them eat cake.", Marie Antoinette told everyone to climb through her dense, brushpile like bush, and eat her big fat pussy???

Things might have been pretty different.

Or what if the entire cast of M.A.S.H. had all signed up to star in the spinoff series called AfterMash???

Things might have been pretty different.

And what if that dipfuck Bush had won the presidency, got us into a war, wrecked the economy, and ruined our international relations???

Ooops.

Anyway, these are the kind of things I think about. The choices we make in life that got us where we are now, and could have gotten us somewhere else if only we had turned left instead of right.

Just like the crap in this movie.

So what would have happened if I had farted instead of took a shit? How would that have affected my buttlog? What would it look like?

This!

Which is pretty damn cool I think!

It's a superior design. The content is much more interesting, and the style is modernized schizo avant-garde. The social commentary is biting, ironic satire at it's finest, suitable for coffee table discussions in between commercial breaks for PBS fundraisers.

In a parallel universe that is what my buttlog would look like.

Unfortunately for you, you live in this universe.

With me!

Not the other me!

With apologies to Conan Obrien...

2005-10-06T00:45:00.000-07:00

Hi there buttloggers and crackheads!

Your old pal the zombie flyboy here. Over the past seven or eight years that I've been doing this little online extravaganza it's became common knowledge that I have certain, how shall we say...

Enemies.

At the top of that list is one, Tom ~~Thumb~~ Cruise. It's easy to hate on the couch jumping, dick-nosed, human skid mark that is Tommy boy, but I think it's time to maybe bury the hatchet.

If Katie wants to be with him, ok, fine. She's contaminated now with the Tom Cruise taint, clinically known as Herpes simplex 100. She's so dirty and stained with incredible Tom filth, that even a lifetime of dipping into Dawson's fucking creek and douching with battery acid wouldn't cleanse her.

If she wants to have his babies that's fine with me, and I'd just like to here and now, in front of the whole world say, "Congratulations".

Here is a happy photo of the couple preparing the baby room.

In honor of this joyous time, I have taken the liberty of using my vast wealth and access to the latest gene splicers, dna sequencers, colecovisions, and magic eight balls to look into the future and see what their lovely child will look like.

Behold! The TomKat baby!

It's been a while, but it's that fucking time again!

2005-10-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

Hardy ho!

It's time for a WEIRD QUESTION!!!!

Here it is.

You are offered the chance to make one million dollars, tax free, from Bill Gates. You can choose between two options to receive your money. Choose wisely.

Option 1:

You will be permanently tattooed with clown makeup and surgically altered to have a big bulbous nose and gigantic feet. Your hair will be removed and a giant rainbow afro wig will be glued to your head. You will only be allowed to wear pink and green colored clown clothing, but for fun you will be allowed to choose the color of your over-sized suspenders. You will also have to live with the four clowns pictured and always have to be with at least one of them at any given time, even when you’re going to the bathroom.

The final condition of this deal is that someone with a loud boom box will follow you around 24/7 playing repetitive carnival/circus music at the maximum volume. This will go on forever. There is no going back. This is the first day of the rest of your life. Do you accept this option?

Option 2:

Every January, May, and September first, a big fat guy named Apollo will come to you and break both of your arms and legs with a ball-peen hammer. Do you accept this option?

Choose now!

Gravatar. What is your deal??? What is your deal???

2005-10-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've been a little out of the loop, but I've noticed that a lot of Gravatars are not working, mine included. I've also noticed that a lot of Gravatars are working, mine not included.

I went to the gravatar site and tried to log in, but it says it is down for maintenance.

Yeah. Sure.

I know a conspiracy when I see one.

Seriously, do any of you fine, lovely, intelligent, sexy ass people know what is going on? I hate not having a gravatar.

Hate it like Michael Jackson hates mature adult women!

Grrrrrrr!

And on a sad note, Nipsey Russell died.

I hate that too.

We all go a little mad sometimes...

2005-10-03T19:07:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone.

It's been a while since I've posted. Sorry about that. I just hadn't been feeling up to writing anything. Things were going on, that had me a little down, and a whole lot of stressed out. I'm happy to report that things are much better now, and I'm feeling like my old crazy self.

So that's why I haven't been writing.

I've never been good for sharing things, opening up to others, or exposing my weaknesses and failings. It's pretty difficult to admit to myself that I have them, that there are some things I just can't fix no matter how hard I try or want to.

I know maybe I'm not the most healthy person from an emotional standpoint. I keep things inside and tell myself that I'm tough enough to make it through. That's probably not the best way to deal, but it's just who I am.

I don't know how to change that.

Anyway, after the last couple to three weeks really, I was completely spent, tired in every way a person can possibly get tired. I needed a break from everything, and I took it. Friday evening I unplugged the phones, closed the blinds, locked the doors, and made plans for a weekend of nothing.

Nothing.

No stress. No worries. No visitors. No bitchy girlfriends. No anything.

It was pretty peaceful for a couple of hours, and then I started to think about this cool idea I had for re-doing my buttlog. I had planned on giving it a facelift for quite some time, but never could quite decide what I wanted to do until recently. It's not that I disliked the way it used to look. I just wanted it to be more of my sensibilities, more functional, and open for expansion and new possibilities down the road.

The plan was to make it look like one of the old "Tales From The Crypt Comic Books". I spent a few hours on the graphics, layout, and color schemes in Photoshop, finally coming up with what you see here, but then had to get to the not as fun as it sounds task of sorting through the blogger tags and the style sheet.

I got on a roll and the hours passed by like pages in a flip book. Friday became Saturday, and still I continued on, not wanting to break momentum, and also because I completely zone out and obsess when I'm deep into a project. Sometime late Saturday night, early Sunday morning, things started to get a little wonky. I was having trouble spelling words. I always have trouble spelling, getting letters out of sequence and that sort of thing, but this was ridiculous. I had to look up simple words to make sure they were right.

And then I saw the spider.

It was sitting there on my fan, big, nasty, and full of spider filth. I reached up to punch it, and as soon as I did, I realized that it wasn't a spider at all. It was just an ordinary screw that holds the grill type cover thing on. I still had some links to add, but decided that enough progress had been made, and that I probably should go to bed.

So I did.

And I slept like a baby. (Minus the lack of bowel and bladder control of course!)

Peaceful dreams.

Total Relaxation.

Black Gold.

Texas Tea.

I woke up feeling good, and I'm happy with how my marathon session in buttlog design turned out. I like it. I don't know if anyone else will, but so be it.

At least you all will cease to wonder if this buttlog was designed by a madman.

Now you know that it most certainly was.

A spider seeing, non-spelling madman, who occasionaly has been known to wear a sexy white captain's hat.

But a madman who is feeling much better about things.

So that's where I'm at.

Catch y'all later.

Yes, I'm always this romantic...

2005-09-21T00:15:00.000-07:00

Ok.

I finally know what I want to do with this shithole, and now I'm actually working on it. I don't want to ruin any surprises, or give spoilers here, but I think it will be good.

That is, if my fucktarded brain can get all the tags and shit straight.

But I'm working on it.

Really.

Anyway, about the sex offender thing from down below. I didn't mean to come off cranky or anything, and I didn't think anyone was calling me out. I just thought it was weird, the idea of making a buttlog about them. I wanted to make it clear that I'm not into crap like that, just in case anyone was wondering.

Well, I might be into it a little bit actually now that I think about it. Sex with me is extremely offensive, what with me being big, bad, smelling like ham, and going "RAWWWWRRRRRRR!" all the fucking time.

So I guess maybe this buttlog will be about one sex offender, or offensive sexer after all.

ME!

It just depends on how you look at it I guess.

But at least I'm not as offensive as this!!!!!

P.S.

If any of you out there are problem solver/advice giver type people such as Dr. Phil, Dr. Ruth, Dr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, or even the fantastical Dr. Johnny Fever, I have a problem for you that maybe you can help me with.

This girl I'm seeing thinks I got my dick sucked by some drunk girl not too long ago. It didn't happen, but I can't prove otherwise. She's always bringing it up and won't let it go. We've went round and round over this crap, and as much as I like to fuck her, it's going to be over if she doesn't start trusting me and quit bitching about it. I just wish she would drop it already.

So anyway, what color should I paint my bathroom?

Thanks!

It's time for a zombie extreme makeover.

2005-09-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you sick fucks, but I'm a little tired of looking at this layout. Not that it doesn't have charm, style, and the grace of a young Kevin Bacon, but there just comes a time when all good things must be crammed into someone's rear end.

Or something.

And really, I just kind of hacked around with the blogger template to get shit where I wanted as a temp thing. I've always planned on really getting into the guts of the thing and figuring out all the tags and what not.

The hardest thing for me really, is not hacking something together, or apart for that matter, but figuring out what I want the layout to look like. The art style. The graphics. That sort of thing.

This is because I'm stupid and have the creativity and artistic talent of anal lice.

But I digress.

Anyway, I think it's time for a little less thinking and a lot more doing. I've already decided that the main quality I want in my blog is COOL. You can't have enough of that, and in order to achieve the coolest, bestest buttlog around I've decided to go with some spiffy flashing, blinking, big and colorful animated gifs.

All over the page.

But that's not all.

I really think the color of piss yellow text on a background of fat-guy shit brown will be the bomb too!

I also plan on embedding all kinds of sound effects and midis that you can never turn off.

EVER!

I'm telling you, my new buttlog will be the best thing since anything.

It'll be the most to fucking say the least for sure on a bag of hairy cheetos dude!

Of course I could be wrong.

Catch y'all later.

One time I looked up at some birds and the birds shit on me and that's why I now hate birds.

2005-08-30T22:58:00.000-07:00

Hi there.

This entry kind of sucks. It really does. It's just for the bean counters and number crunching nerds who are not cool and sexy like the champion nerds from the bitchin' movie "Revenge Of The Nerds", but just plain old schmuck nerds.

Like the kind with no super powers who just wear glasses and plot the course of planets and alien spaceships in their spare time.

Just because.

Anyway, straight from the home office in Bumfuck Nowhere, here is a list of the top keywords used to find my site.

9.09% street fight whores
9.09% girl fight blood
9.09% rooster fight tattoo
9.09% dicktease
9.09% zombie pie fight
4.55% all things zombie
4.55% zombie fucking
4.55% cock fight
4.55% the great race pie fight
4.55% all things zombie
4.55% fight girl picture
4.55% cat fight whores
4.55% sexy ladies being laid
4.55% girl fight
4.55% new woman fight
4.55% cheerleaders pie fight
4.55% world fest sores halloween songs

Well, it seems the people have spoken. Expect a big dose of street fight whores, girl fight blood, and of course, major dickteasing in the near future! I had planned on doing some more features on world fest sores halloween songs, but now I guess I won't.

Because if it's one thing I've learned in all my years in the business, it's this:

Know your audience.

Later on Pissflaps!

Cheerleaders are dancers who have gone retarded

2005-08-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

Hi there skanks, clanks, and diggity danks!

How have you all been?

Really???

That's very interesting and a little farfetched, but far be it from me to doubt you. You are my people and I think you rock like a cock in a sock.

I know a lot of y'all have been wondering if my feud with the evil one, Tom Cruise is over. And to that I say, "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha." I have in my possession a short film that Tom simply doesn't want you to see. It's unedited raw footage of him being squirted by that guy a few months ago.

It's real...

It's shocking...

And it's been banned by the United Nations, the United Federation of Planets, and the P.T.A.

So if you want to see what really happened to the little midget queef sucking pissflap of a man, then email me and I'll be happy to send you the footage. I'd host it myself, but I'm really, REALLY, fucking lazy.

The video is aprox 2mb in size and needs QuickTime to play.

Interested?

Then say my name bitch!

In the Kingdom of the Perv, the one eyed man is a Penis.

2005-08-17T01:54:00.000-07:00

One.

Two.

Electric Boogalo

Let us begin.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a dirty girl who had a buttlog and wrote about very dirty, dirty, things such as *fetishes. This smutty girl's name was Palova Dela Cruze Van Hoy and she was known far and wide throughout the buttlog kingdom for her ability to titillate and enthrall.

But then one day, a dark cloud fell upon the buttlog kingdom when a pig ass fucker named ~~Tom Cruise~~ Google declared that Palova must be stopped. And just like that, the fetish posts stopped coming, never to return.

The people fell into great despair. Some even went so far as to purchase swanky magazines such as Esquire, Big Bald Beavers, and People in search of perverse thrills, but none were to be found.

Until one day a champion appeared most bold and true. A defender of all things smutty and filthy, a champion who set forth to bring back tales of the fetish kind for the pleasure of all!

And bring them back he shall, because that champion is ME!

Me! Me! Me!

Bet you didn't see that coming did you?

Anyway, a fetish is promised and a fetish I will deliver, and a really strange one at that. Now I have to tell you right now, that I thought I had seen or heard of pretty much everything at this point in my life. Nothing really shocks or surprises me anymore, but this did. I had never seen this or heard of it. What is it? What kind of fetish am I talking about?

Drumroll please...

The fetish of conjoined twins.

That's right. Conjoined twins.

I don't get it. I don't understand it. But I guess that to some people, conjoined twins are as hot as donkey snot on the planet Mercury, which the scientists tell me is in fact, pretty damn hot.

I think it's safe to say that Bernie Mac would not approve of this.

But if you want to disregard Bernie's stamp of disapproval, then you are more than welcome to pay Doctor Mercurious Prospero a visit.

If you dare!

Just don't say Bernie didn't warn you.

-------

-------

-------

And they all lived kinky ever after.

The End.

This concludes our tale of fetish.

*Fetish: Associating pleasure (often sexual in nature) with normal, everyday items, such as a woman's long, silky smooth hair that just begs to be french braided, or even clothing items such as sexy white captain's hats.

Warning!!!! More bullshit. Fucking lazy ass Zombie bastard!

2005-08-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

This is probably only something I would think of as cool, but fuck it, it's my butt log and I'll do what I want.

Anyway, it just now came to my attention that I am the number one search result when you type "hollywood cocksucker" into the yahoo searchbar.

Awesome.

I feel like I've finally made it.

This is pretty much bullshit, but if you want to read it go ahead.

2005-08-11T01:26:00.000-07:00

Hey there ducks and turtles! I'm still trying to get back in the swing of things so to speak here. You know, just get used to posting something every once in a while again. So here goes. This is the behind the scenes dirt on the making of my "What I did this Summer" post.

Enjoy!

Or don't!

1. Mr. T.

Yeah, I know he's older now and not working much, but the star of "D.C. Fucking Cab" doesn't work for free either. He only allowed me to use his image after cutting him a nice check for $50 and giving him back end points on the gross. I had no idea what he was talking about, but seeing as he wasn't in the mood for jibba jabba, agreed.

2. Tara Reid.

I like to photoshop people. You all know that. But in case you didn't know, that's her actual stomach. I didn't touch it, and I won't touch it. Ever. It looks like silly putty that was sculpted by Satan. Fuck!

3. Paris Hilton.

She likes it rough. And so does her now ex-best buddy Nicole Richie.

4. The Rooster with five peckers.

You really have to look close, but they're there. If you can't see them, just keep staring at the picture until your eyes begin to water. That means you're almost there.

5. Scott Baio.

Ok. I know there's some confusion here about whether I like the guy or not. Let me state this in the clearest terms, I DO NOT WANT CHARLES IN CHARGE OF ME! MY NAME ISN"T JOANIE AND I DO NOT LOVE CHACHI!

I was wasted. I found the tattoo later. I don't know who did it. It's a great mystery for the ages, like the Bermuda triangle, the face on mars, and how Scott got all those hot ass chicks throughout the years.

6. Bronson Pinchot.

How this guy never became a household name, I'll never know. He's gold! Pure Gold!

7. Mr. Natas.

He's my cat. He came from hell. This is his picture. What more needs to be said?

8. Lindsay Lohan.

A lot of you have probably wondered things about this young lady, such as, are her boobs real, or is she a stupid slut? Well, here's the scoop. Sadly, her boobs are fake. I was hoping they were real, but no. Is she a stupid slut? Well, if you called her that, you'd be half right.

9. Brainburger.

Yes, this is the same suit worn by Darius Rucker in his BK commercial. The cheap fucks were too tight to buy a new one, so that's what I had to wear. It had to be let out in the crotch though, as my cock is way bigger than his.

10. Amar A Un Zombie.

What can I say? I love Tera and I loved working with her. She's a true professional in every sense of the word.

11. Gold.

If you ever get a chance, I highly recommend the mountains of BRA-zil. Be careful though, you might get lost in them.

12. Beach Blanket Crotch Rot.

This might be my favorite of all the summer experiences. Oh how I loved my time on the beach with these whores. But did you know that the girl on the far right in the white hat is none other than Britney "Chaotic" Spears? And that the ultra cool bathing suit I'm wearing once belonged to Beatle's great John Lennon? It's true. Pretty cool huh?

13. Lord Of The Dance.

A lot of people think I use blood capsules to bite down on during my sexy dancing, but nope, it's the real deal. None of that fake shit for me. And I go through at least four pairs of those extra spiffy velvet pants a night due to my constant and huge erections.

14. Sasquatch.

I was heavily influenced by a show called "Bigfoot and Wildboy" when I was a young zombie. Any of you magnificent bastards ever saw it? Please tell me I didn't just imagine the whole thing.

15. You're still reading this shit???!!!!

... ... ...

Sometimes turds don't flush.

2005-08-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

They just keep coming back and annoying the hell out of you.

Hey, hey, ladies, gentlemen, and scientologists of the world.

I’m back!

That’s right, the flyboy is back in the world of the butt logs.

I'm tougher than Mr. T.

Nastier than Tara Reid’s tummy.

Dirtier than Paris Hilton’s hacked cell phone.

And randier than a rooster with five peckers!

So get ready you donkey raping shit eaters, because I’m here.

I’m now.

And I’m bringing it!!!

I'm Zombie Flyboy, now hear me roar!!!

Rawwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Now you’re probably wondering where I’ve been, what I’ve been up to, that sort of thing. And yeah, your curiosity is kind of justified, what with me being an internet superstar, prince among zombies, and just all around swell dude. It’s only natural. And don’t for a second think I didn’t appreciate the emails of concern for my well being, and inquiries as to when I would return to posting. I did, and I still do. Thank you very, very much.

I never intended to stay away this long, and I feel kind of embarrassed about it. Not as embarassed as I felt when I got drunk on Brass Monkey back in 92 and discovered to my horror than I now had “I heart Scott Baio” tattooed on my ass. That was much worse.

My embarrassment is more on the level of the time I dressed up as Balki Bartokomous for Halloween back in 87. It's bad, but I can recover. Anyway, back to the subject.

The point is, I missed seeing you all and hope you aren't too pissed off at my tendency to freak out like Howard Hughes and just disappear from time to time.

I’ve always enjoyed the summer, and always seem to get caught up in it. There is so much to do, so many places to go, so many sluts to bang, so many cases of Natty light to drink, it all piles up on a zombie. The months just seem to fly by, like money shots in a gang bang. May becomes June, June transitions to July, July quickly melts into August, until one day you wake up with the worst hangover ever, a lawsuit against you for corporate fraud in Argentina, a suitcase full of uncut cocaine, and a helper monkey named Keanu. It’s a trip man, a hell of a ride. Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah!

I just love me some summer.

And doing things all summer.

And things doing me all summer.

Well, you get the drift.

So, in honor of all the pissed off mopey fucking school kids who are about to return to classes, I dedicate my “what I did this summer” flavored post of pain, torture, and poop.

Did I say poop? Oh well, fuck it, poop is the funniest word of all time, next to Spermwhale, which actually is two words, but who cares because comedy can’t count for shit.

Shit being a cruder word for poop of course.

Poop. Shit. Poop. Poop. Poop. Fart. Shit.

What I did this summer.

By Zombie Flyboy

May:

Ok. I was still kind of posting during this month, but secret projects were a-boiling that’s for damn sure. The biggest project of this month, was filming my appearance in the Lindsay Lohan hit, “Herbie: Fully Loaded”. I didn’t really want to be in a movie like this, but my agent and pet cat Mr. Natas, forged my name onto a contract and I was therefore legally bound to co-star in this shit fest explosion of Disney hog vomit.

My agent and loyal kitty cat Mr. Natas.

I play the role of Rich “Cuntkiller” Golden, a smooth talking rebel who lives by his own set of rules. The film has this one big running gag, where I am always tripping and falling on top of Lindsay, and then titty fucking her until she pisses her pants. This happens all throughout the movie, and is quite funny I assure you.

Sadly, my character didn’t test well with preview audiences and all of my scenes were cut. This would piss me off normally, but really now, it’s “Herbie: Fully Loaded”. Who gives a shit?

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha HA!

Their loss!

June:

Intrigued by my fun and entertaining experiences in show biz, I continued to pursue my acting career. With Mr. Natas pimping my acting talents to the world, the offers soon came pouring in. I quickly signed on to film a promotion for Burger King’s all new “Brainburger”. It will be available in September, so look for it, enjoy it, and watch my commercial. Why do a Burger King ad? Two reasons. One, as a zombie, I love to eat brains. And two, I get to show off my singing and songwriting talents. Hey, any publicity is good publicity right? Sure it is.

Here are the lyrics that go with the song:

“Oh, I love the tender crisp bacon cheddar brains.
The buns they come from ass.
There’s a lot of things that make me wanna sing.
Decapitations, constipation.
Severed limbs, regurgitation.
Puss filled sores from dirty whores.
And the tender crisp bacon cheddar brains.
The tender crisp bacon cheddar brains.”

Shortly after my Burger King ad wrapped, Mr. Natas became even more vigilant in his efforts to find me work as an actor. This led to of all places, Mexico, where I filmed 37 hardcore pornographic movies under the name of T.T. Boy Sanchez. I have to tell you, it was a fantastic experience, and I look forward to returning to the beautiful Mexican people and their lovely country soon.

P.S. I love you Tera. You're the best!

July:

Filming 37 hardcore pornographic movies is fun, I'm not gonna lie to you, but even zombies need rest. So I relaxed a few days and then decided to take a trip to the ever so peaceful mountains of BRA-zil, where I hiked, snorted heroin, and panned for gold.

Much treasure and good times were had by all, especially me. I then returned from the grand and beautiful peaks of the plentiful valley and spent the rest of the month frolicking on the beach with some girls I met in a filthy gas station bathroom. How did we all meet in such a shady place? That is another story for another time, but rest assured, the scorching case of crotch rot was worth it.

Mmmmmmmm. Scorching case of crotch rot…

August:

And now we’re here, August, the present. What have I been doing this month? I’ve got four words for you baby cakes.

LORD OF THE DANCE!

That’s right. I am now the lord of the dance. I’ve trained secretly for years, biding my time, waiting for just the right moment, and now it is finally here. I will be touring nationwide with my super sexy team of dancing crack whores. This is history in the making folks. You have to see it to believe it. I’m so fucking erotic, hot, and dead sexy when I dance that if you don't find yourself in the street humping fire hydrants after the show, I will personally refund your money. That is my ironclad and personal guarantee of satisfaction.

So there you have it friends and fiends, that was my summer and what I did with it. I hope all your questions have been answered and that you enjoyed the re-telling of my ultra cool adventures. I’m not back totally yet, as I still have my dancing gig the rest of the month, but be assured, I will be back to posting on a fairly regular basis soon, and that sightings of me will not be so rare.

Peace and chicken grease motherfuckers!

See you around.

"I have a big butt, and my butt smells, and I like to smell my own butt." -Tom Cruise

2005-06-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

I need an easy friend...

2005-06-03T23:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, I got tagged and bagged a while back by Meggan and Alexis.

So here are my answers.

Total volume of music on my computer:

7.11 GB. Not all of it's mine though. A couple of my cousins used to download a lot of stuff, back in the fun days before the record companies started suing everyone.

The last CD I bought was:

"Songs to Fist to", by Anal Fister

Ok. That's not really a cd, but if it was, I'd buy it for sure. I guess the last cd I got was the Nirvana box set. So it's a set, but not a cd. Deal with it fuckers.

Song playing right now:

"Bitter Pill" by Motley Crue.

Five songs I listen to a lot, or mean a lot to me:

1. Uncle Tupelo - "I got drunk and I fell down"
This is kind of a recurring theme in my life. It's a fun song to sing to, play along with, and experience first hand. I have have gotten drunk and fell down many, many, times, and I'll probably do it again a few more times before I punch my ticket.

2. Motley Crue - "Shout at the Devil/Wildside"
I always play them both, back to back, and they always get me in just the right mood to rock. Doesn't matter what's happened throughout the day, or how tired I am. If you play that magical song combo, it's fucking go time baby. Consider yourself warned.

3. Guns and Roses - "I used to love her"
This song is another one that's a lot of fun to me. It might be my favorite song of theirs. It's easy to play, and the song just cracks me up. The songs about a girl, but you can spin it the other way too. I mean really, who here hasn't loved someone one day and then wanted to kill them sometime later? Huh? Huh? That's what I thought.

4. The Cramps - "Surfin' Dead"

This song appears on the "Smell of female" album, but a lot of you probably know it from the bitchin' "Return Of The Living Dead" soundtrack. This is my favorite zombie song ever. It always puts me in the mood to run around and board up the windows. I just love it.

5. Johnny Cash - "Everything"

Yeah, I didn't name an actual song. There is no way to just pick one when talking about the man in black. He was and is still the man. His kick ass, no bullshit, balls to the wall songs, refuse to be defined and labeled. He rocks, and that's that.

Honerable Mention - "The Tenacious D songs the Rabbit sent me. They've been on heavy rotation as of late, and always crack me up.

Three people to whom I’m passing the baton:

I'd rather pass gas instead, or maybe give someone herpes. Just like my hero Ron Mexico.

Later!

If it's one thing I hate, it's a dicktease.

2005-05-26T01:02:00.000-07:00

And Lost, you are a fucking dicktease.

I watched all season long. I made the commitment. I suffered through weeks of re-runs. I kept my optimism high.

And this is the fucking thanks I get!

Well fuck you Lost.

It's over between us. I'm going to be seeing another show this upcoming television season. One that will not treat me badly. One that will not keep toying with me the very same way that Lucy toys with that poor sap Charlie Brown.

Lost, you have pulled the football away from me for the last time.

Fuck you in the ear, you stupid, going nowhere, slow as a snails pace, flashback infested piece of anal cheese. Your writers are making this shit up as they go along. There is no big picture, and your mysteries will forever remain shit.

The monster? Shit!

The hatch? Shit!

The others? Shit!

Something weird about the baby? Shit!

Something weird about the boy? Shit!

Hurley's curse? Shit!

The season ending cliff hanger? Shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

I'm done with you motherfucker. Thanks for nothing.

Adios.

To all the readers. Yep, all four of you.

2005-05-24T14:37:00.000-07:00

You all know I'm a big asshole. Way more than even Tom Cruise, The Ahyatola Khomeini, and Paris Hilton combined.

But that's not the reason I haven't been keeping up with all of your great butt logs. The reason is that I have had extremely little time to play on the net lately. I'm hoping to catch up on you all soon, so hopefully I can fill your butt logs with lamer comments like, "Kick ass!", "Awesome!", and of course my trademark, "Later!".

So I'll see you all when I can, hopefully soon. But for the moment, it's hard enough just to find the time to post. I just wanted you all to know I hadn't forgotten you, and that I appreciate anyone who comes and visits me here.

Kick Ass!

Awesome!

Later!

-Zombie Flyboy

A long time ago...

2005-05-24T01:57:00.000-07:00

In a shit-town far, far, away, a younger version of my zombie flyboy self, saw a little science fiction movie called Star Wars. Perhaps you've heard of it. Anyway, the movie rocked my world. I became obsessed with all things Star Wars, and dreamed of flying space ships and having shoot outs with blaster guns, and light saber battles as I fought evil aliens for truth, justice, and the right to make fun of Tom Cruise.

The fucker.

In recent years, I've became a little jaded on Star Wars. Like a lot of people, I was there opening weekend for "The Phantom Menace", but left feeling a little shaken. It seemed the stupid and cartoonish elements that plagued "Return of The Jedi", were not an aberration, but a sign of things to come. I was very disappointed, and when "Attack of The Clones" came out, I felt little excitement, choosing to wait until it was available to rent to watch it.

"AOTC" was pretty damn slow. The love story was clunky, the dialogue piss poor, but something funny happened on the way to me being greatly disappointed again. That something was the last 10 or 20 minutes of the movie when battles are being fought left and right, and Yoda kicks all kinds of ass. The tight ending gave me a small amount of optimism that "Revenge of The Sith" just might not suck after all. And guess what? It doesn't! That's right. Finally, after 20 years, a new Star Wars movie is out and it's good!

"Revenge Of The Sith" is a big, loud, pretty, piece of popcorn movie goodness. It doesn't have the depth and quality of "A New Hope" or "Empire", but it's still pretty damn fun to watch. The junk dialogue, and flat, listless, acting of Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen that we've all come to know and love is still here, but the great performances by Ewan McGregor, and Ian McDiarmid more than make up for it. These two guys really sell their performances hard. It's like they know this is the last hurrah, and are rising to the occasion. Bravo guys!

The story movies along quickly, almost too quickly really, as their is enough material here to cover the entire new trilogy. I think Anakin's turn to the dark side, while explained, was a little rushed, and forced. I wish it had been explored further, rather than the Jar Jar and childhood antics of "Phantom", and the yawn inducing romance of "Clones".

The new trilogy could have been so much more. It could have been the "Star Wars" so many hoped for, more of the grown up style shown in "Empire". Instead, the emphasis was placed firmly on the technology, and the story seemed to be a mere afterthought. Oh well, it's just CGI water under George Lucas's digital bridge. We'll just have to enjoy "ROTS" for what it is, and what it is, is a lot of fun. The ending is kind of a bummer of course. But it's not like anyone didn't know what happened anyway right?

I think "ROTS" will give people what they expect. If you go in looking for things to nitpick and bitch about you'll find them. But if you go in looking for an entertaining, amusement park ride of escapist summer fun, then you'll find that too. I enjoyed the movie, the way it connected things to the older trilogy, and tied up the loose ends. The Emperor was really fucking cool, and the pacing is quick and never bogs down.

On the quality scale of lightsaber severed hands, I give "Revenge Of The Sith", 3.75 severed hands out of a possible 5.

The good:

Ewan McGregor. Ian McDiarmid. The light saber battles. More Yoda combat. R2D2. The John Williams score. The cool way the ships and things started to look more like "A New hope". All those smug Jedi fuckers getting taken out by order 66. The way Darth Vader's first steps are a cool nod to the Frankenstein monster.

The bad:

Piss poor dialogue. Wooden and robotic performances from human actors (it's bad when C3PO is more human than the humans). Darth Vader's "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!". The super annoying noises that Obi-Wan's lizard makes. I fucking hated that! Yoda's fingernail scraping noise.

The Ugly:

Dead Jedi Younglings. Anakin and Padme's love. Darth Vader as a flame broiled, chopped up whopper. Yoda's fingernails. The Emperor's face.

That's all for today chumps.

May the fist be with you!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

2005-05-23T11:02:00.000-07:00

It's faaaaaaatttttttttttt Albert!

Ok, not really. It's just me, the Zombie Flyboy. I've been a little busy with offline things lately, and there have been some electrical storms too. I am still, very much un-alive though, and will give you a new update soon.

Catch you all later, and MadameD, if I don't get to talk to you before you leave, have a good trip.

That is all.

I found my new vacation spot.

2005-05-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

Check out the greatest place on earth!

It's called Whore Island and you can read about it at the way better Immoderation website. These girls rock like no others and put the P in Par-Tay!

Ok. I have no idea what I'm saying anymore. Just trust me. Whore Island is great. That's all you fucking need to know!

The first thing I plan to do when I get there is to give Silver the rimjob of a lifetime while I fist her with a can of Natty Light.

See you there!

Mr. Cruise, I'm calling you OUT again!

2005-05-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

Hey, this is getting old. I keep seeing you in the news with that wonderful girl Katie Holmes. Well, she's not nearly as wonderful now that you've implanted her with your Herpes sores and midget cooties, but still, I kind of dig her.

You really should have answered my challenge like a man Mr. Cruise. But no, you have to hide behind your agents and ~~bodyguards~~ boyfriends. Which is fine I guess.

I should have expected no less from you, you fucking tapeworm dressed in designer duds, who calls himself a man.

You are evil and you suck!

You may have been able to mind control Katie, and you might be able to fool the idiotic public at large. But you can't fucking fool me you big shit stain. You can pose in front of a million cameras until there's peace in the middle east, and I still won't believe that you're anything but a gay midget.

And in honor of your latest hijinks, here are three of the most bullshit public kisses I've ever seen.

Media Whores Of The World Unite!

Ok. It's rare when I see two women kiss and don't think it's hot, but there is nothing sexy about this. It's just pathetic and sad that Madonna felt she needed some help from Britney to get a headline. As for Britney, her music stinks, and now she's just relying on stunts like this, and now getting knocked up, to stay in the spotlight. How very sad. And could this picture be any less erotic? I've seen more passion watching two dogs fuck in the park. Britney looks uncomfortable, and Madonna just looks bored. What a crock of shit!

He's just a normal red blooded man like everyone else!

Yeah, here's wacko jacko, normal dude, woman chasing, non-little boy fucking, man about town. He's got a thing for the ladies and he's not afraid to show it. Man oh man, the first thing I thought about when I saw this fucking picture was that it's definite proof that Elvis is as dead as a bag of hammers. Because if he wasn't, this shit would have brought him right the fuck out of hiding. I think he would have went all kung fu on the king of pop and maybe even killed him. I don't think he'd go for his daughter being in that sick ~~church~~ cult of scientology that fuckhead Cruise goes to as well. The really sad thing about this picture is that it's been said that Michael practiced kissing a mannequin for hours before he kissed Lisa Marie in real life. Why not practice with her???? Oh yeah. He's crazier than batshit, that's why.

I'M NOT GAY! I'M NOT GAY! I'M NOT GAY!

Yeah, sure you aren't Mr. Cruise. Sure you aren't. And this way hot picture of the spicey sizzle and amore between you and Katie proves it. Oh wait. This picture is about as bland and stale as a bowl of un-seasoned grits, kind of like your performance in "Eyes Wide Shut" where you were supposed to be sensual with your then ~~marriage of convenience partner~~ wife, Nicole Kidman. Now, it's a given that she has a big sloppy cunt that has the aroma of a musky and long unused bedroom, but you seemed extremely uneasy around her, and the chemistry between the two of you was zilch.

In contrast, the chemistry between you and Brad Pitt in "Interview With The Vampire" was hot, hot, hot, and had you been endowed with anything more than an infant's cock, I'm sure we could have seen your erection throughout the movie. Just be true to yourself Mr. Cruise, and stop bullshitting everyone. No one buys it, and I for one am tired of your games.

And your herpes sores on Katie's face!

Later on Mr. Keebler Elf, say hi to E.L Fudge when you're taking it up the ass from him.

Loser.

Mondays always make me think of the Bangles.

2005-05-16T13:37:00.000-07:00

Hi there peeps and popes, your friendly neighborhood Zombie Flyboy here. I hope you all had a great weekend, filled with lots of kinky sex, nude disco dancing, William Shatner albums, and of course time traveling.

Me? I had a pretty good weekend. I didn't get wasted (Sorry Lindsey!).

WHAT??? No drunken lost weekend for the Flyboy????!!!!!@#$@#$@#$@#

Bitch. Bitch. Grumble. Moan. Piss. Fuck Hell.

I know you all must be outraged and appalled. The more I think about it, the more outraged and appalled I become too.

What the fuck was I thinking??!!!

But really, I wanted to remember this weekend because I had a feeling it was going to be better than ninjas and rocket cars and monkeys that throw sticks of dynamite.

I'm disappointed to say that it wasn't as good as that. But then again, what is? All kidding aside, it was pretty cool, and a good time was definitely had.

That said, next weekend will be all about the journey through time and space. Hell man, I might start drinking right now. Of course, I will never let my excesses ever interfere with the quality of writing and content here at my butt log.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

So what makes you people happy in your off time?

Being with friends?

A night at the local whorehouse?

A little song, a little dance, Batman's head on a lance?

The joy and satisfaction of a big monster dump?

What rocks your socks like the chicken pox you silly bastards?

Later on mi cooluderos!

Happy Friday The 13th!

2005-05-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

Hey out there in shitland, it's Friday the 13th time, and that's always a cool time in my book. And seeing how it's that special day, I think I'll talk about a subject that is near and dear to my cold dead heart.

That's right!

The Friday the 13th movies!

I gave you all a little bit of an introduction to this franchise on my Mother's Day post, but in this thread, I'm going to talk about the movies and that wacky, wacky, man of a million laughs, Mr. Jason Voorhees himself. There will be spoilers in these writings, so if you haven't seen the movies and want to remain as untouched and intact as a fat kid on prom night, then I recommend you read no further.

Heh. I recommend that you read no further anyway. This butt log causes brain damage and explosive diarrhea.

But hey, if you're the brave sort...

Or just dumb.

Here is:

Zombie Flyboy's Analysis of the Friday the 13th movie franchise.

Ok.

My analysis will only cover the first four movies, because these are the definitive Friday movies. Parts one through four tell a story, with a beginning, middle and an end. After part four, the series becomes less about this story and more about "Zombie Jason" and his trusty machete. This isn't a bad thing; it just is what it is. Of the latter movies, I recommend part six pretty highly. It's good fun, plus Jason gets to kill Arnold Horseshack. What the fuck can't you not love about that?

Anyway.

It all started back in 1980. Thanks to a low budget movie that killed at the box office called "Halloween", a crappy studio filled with big assholes, Paramount, decided to cash in on the horror craze, and thus Friday the 13th was born. This was the first real "blood and guts" horror movie I ever saw at the theatre, so it will always bring back fond memories of axes in the head, crazy Ralph, Pamela Voorhees, decapitations, and of course, Kevin Bacon's rather pointy boner.

The funny thing about this movie is that people nowadays associate Jason with Friday the 13th, but in this movie, he's mentioned a bit, but only appears in a trippy and grotesque sequence at the very end. This movie is all about momma, and the insane rage for revenge. The common interpretation (I have my own theories and will touch on them later) is that Pamela's beloved son Jason died because the camp counselors were off screwing, doing dope, and not paying attention. This brought about the revenge, the bloodshed and the eventual death by decapitation of Momma Voorhees herself.

Friday the 13th part 2 is where the plot starts to get a little tricky. This is where Jason makes his return from the watery grave to avenge the killing of his super cool mom, and make every last man, woman, and child pay dearly for entering the grounds of Camp Crystal Lake aka Camp Blood. And man, is that Jason vicious, where in the past, momma might have let the likes of Crazy Ralph escape, Mr. Voorhees, doesn't show mercy to anyone. He can be tricked though, and I love the sequence where the frightened girl puts on Pamela's sweater and tells Jason what a good boy he has been. That's some good stuff right there. Another note about part two that surprises some people is that Jason doesn't have his trademark hockey mask.

Instead he wears a bag over his head, much like the killer in the movie, "The Town That Dreaded Sundown".

I saw Friday the 13th part 3 at the drive in, and man it was a lot of fun. The irony of watching a bunch of horny, drug using teens get slaughtered on screen, while being surrounded by carloads of them was lost on my young mind, but the movie was a kick. It was in 3D, which was kind of making a comeback of sorts at the time, and thus kind of gimmicky, but I didn't mind. Not all of it worked particularly well, but the spear gun shot in the eye was pretty sweet. The most memorable part of this movie was that about halfway through or more, Jason got his hockey mask, and completed his transformation from "Run of the Mill Movie Slasher" to horror icon.

I don't like this movie as well as the first two, mostly because the lead actress sucks harder than a sea monkey addict on steroids with a vacuum cleaner for a mouth. The story wasn't quite as good either, I think because it centered around the horrible lead actress, but there is some interesting back-story of Jason living in the woods to be found if you can tolerate the crappyness.

With part 4, the movie came full circle, and Jason finally met his match in a young Corey Feldman. That's right. Corey Feldman. This movie isn't shown much for some reason, and I really don't know why. The gore effects are well done and provided by the man, Tom Savini, and the cast also includes a dancing Crispin Glover, and a couple of hot twins.

What's not to like?

Nothing, that's what motherfucker!

The plot isn't much. It's pretty much a carbon copy of the others. People go somewhere they shouldn't. Then they die.

But what sets this one apart is a pretty cool Jason hunter (He let me down though because he died rather easily), and the fact that Jason does in fact bite the dust. Thus ending the saga of the wacky Voorhees family once and for all.

Well, until Jason rises from the grave in part six anyway.

And yeah, I can count. I know I skipped part 5, but Jason wasn't in that movie, so put that in your trash can full of ticks, lice, chiggers, and flies, and smoke it.

Alright, now that I've given you a little information on the series, here is where the fun starts. This is where I tell you the real dirt on what went down in these movies. The real story. No longer will you be an ignorant turd who prays for death. Now you can be one of the few, the proud, the Friday informed.

As you know in the first one, Pamela is the killer. But what most of you don't know is that she was a really domineering mother. She smothered her son, mothered him to no end until he just couldn't take it anymore. Thus, he swam out that fateful day and faked his drowning to get away from momma and start a new life of peace and quiet out in the woods as a hermit. His mother, filled with rage and sadness over the loss of her boy, went on a killing spree. Jason looked on from the woods, but always stayed out of sight, because he knew if he ever revealed what happened, that momma would turn her anger on him.

And that would never do.

In time Jason grew into a man, an ugly, twisted, evil man of the woods, but a man nonetheless. He watched over the years as his momma killed and killed again. And he learned. Boy did he learn. The desire to join in the fun was tempting, but his fear of his mother's rage was enough to keep him out of the game, until the fateful night when his mother finally messed with the wrong counselor.

Then, it was go time.

Time for Jason to shine!

A lot of people are confused by the way the first movie ends because of the attack by little boy Jason upon the final survivor who has spent the night out on Camp Crystal Lake in a canoe. It's a trippy sequence, and it made me jump back in the day, but really, it's just a mind fuck. It's a dream sequence. Jason wasn't a young boy then. He was a grown man, watching from the woods. There is just no way to explain how the rotten corpse of a boy could rise from the dead, and grow into a big adult man in a years time, which is the amount of time between the sequels.

Further evidence for my viewpoint occurs in part 2, as Jason runs, shows emotion, can be hurt, bleeds, and displays a very cool sense of humor. These are not the qualities that come from a dead boy who has been fish food for years and years. These are the qualities of a living person.

Before going further, I'd like to go back to the sense of humor topic, because I'm sure not many think of Jason, as being a laugh riot, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Jason's sense of humor is just as sharp as his blade, and the movies prove it time and time again.

Just watch them again, and pay close attention to the way dead bodies are made to pop out like horrific jack in the boxes, fall out of attic trapdoors, and pitch forth out of closets at just the right time to scare the hell out of whoever it is that Jason is stalking. This shit didn't just happen. Jason had to think ahead and plan this all out. He had to think of what would scare the people the most, and then he had to drag around those unsightly corpses and prepare his little gauntlet of fun. I can just picture him, humming a happy little tune, and breaking into a soft chuckle from time to time as he thought of how much fun it was all going to be when some doofus teenager would fall into his trap.

It's brilliant, and good fun. Now never let anyone tell you Jason doesn't know how to have a good time.

Anyway, part 3 is more of the same, Jason runs, toys with people, and even gets a little horny, if you believe what the worst lead actress ever has to say. He takes a pretty good shot to the head and goes down for the count too. He's mistaken for dead and hauled off, but he wakes up just in time to slaughter a new batch of dumb fucks in part 4.

It all goes pretty well until Corey Feldman comes along and does the cha cha cha on Jason's head.

Thus concludes the Friday saga, and ushers in the age of "Zombie Jason". That's right, I consider Jason to be a zombie now. He's undead and powered by a lightning bolt just like Frankenstein.

But that's a different subject for a different time.

Happy Friday the 13^th everyone!

Ki Ki Ki... Ma Ma Ma...

P.S. Check out the cool Momma Voorhees doll I found on the net. Kick ass huh? I want one bad!

Attention People of Toronto!!!

2005-05-12T15:41:00.000-07:00

Would you like to be a zombie? Well here's your chance.

Zombie Night 2

I don't know anything about the original "Zombie Night", and I know nothing of the sequel, but I'd probably be in it anyway if I could, because zombies are always a good time.

Loads of fun.

If any of you Toronto people get in the movie, please let me know. I'd love to hear about your experience.

Later!

Hey! Hey! It's that time again!

2005-05-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

That's right devils and divas, it's time for the...

WEIRD QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Ok. Here's the deal. You have been accepted for the famous, Zombie Piefight, million dollar challenge. How do you play? I'm glad you asked dear reader and brave contestant. The rules are as simple as a walk in the park, and as easy as falling in love.

Check it out!

You have two choices.

Choice one is to be locked inside a garbage can filled three quarters of the way with:

TICKS

CHIGGERS

LICE

And HORSEFLIES.

You will literally be swimming in these nasty creatures.

The garbage can will be sealed tight, and you will be in total darkness with only the hungry, crawling, nasty creatures for company. A small air hole will be provided so you will not suffocate. A thin tube will provide you with a small drink of water every hour. You get no food, but then again, you can always eat the bugs.

If you can stay in this garbage can of horror for seven days, you win the prize of one million dollars. If you stay one day, you get nothing. If you stay for six days, and 23 hours, you get nothing. It's all or nothing here.

Choice two is this. It's really simple.

All you have to do, is eat a twenty pound bag of sugar every day for breakfast. You have to do this for an entire year. Even one day off will forfeit you of the prize. If you can manage this without dieing of obesity and diabetes, you get the million bucks.

So my mighty contestant, which game do you play? The long, painful, eat 7,300 pounds of sugar quest, or do you take your chances in the garbage can of biting bugs?

Choose now scumbag!

The zombies are coming! The zombies are coming!

2005-05-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

Alright.

Get your mind out of the gutter for just one fucking second you pervs, and listen up.

Mr. George A. Romero is back in the genre that he does best, and I say that's cause for celebration. Romero hasn't been behind a zombie flick since 1985's vastly underrated "Day of The Dead", and I for one am looking forward to seeing what he has in store for us. I read a copy of the script last year and liked it a lot. It builds upon the ideas established in "Night", "Dawn", and "Day", and is the next logical step in zombie evolution.

Based upon the script, I think it will please fans of his trilogy, but I'm still not sure how the casual fan will react, since the script presumes that the movie-goer will have seen the past three films. I don't know if this will be a problem for the people who like to go to movies with pre-chewed and easily digested plots, but I hope it won't be.

I also hope they hired a really talented actor to play "Big Daddy", because this is the character who will probably make, or break the movie. A lot is riding on him, and I'm crossing my fingers.

Hopefully the film will be accessible to all and turn out to be a huge hit. George is a great guy who has been fucked over by the studios for a long time now, and it would be fantastic to see him have a moment in the sun. He deserves it.

Here's a poster that has been floating around on the net. I don't know if this is the final production version or not.

The trailer is online now, so if you want, you can check it out here. I think it's pretty cool. Take a look and see for yourself.

I can't wait for June 24th.

At least I have Star Wars to tide me over.

Later!

Nothing says "Good Mother" like murder.

2005-05-07T23:44:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day Everyone!

I dedicate this post to Pamela Vorhees, truly one of the outstanding mothers in all of cinematic history.

Pamela was such a good mother that she killed countless camp counselors and partying teens in response to the callous and uncaring way in which they treated her beloved son Jason.

Pamela loved her son. And he loved her.

And that my friends is what Mother's Day is all about!

Rock on all you kick ass moms! This is your DAY!

Tom Cruise I'm Calling You OUT!!!

2005-05-06T03:43:00.000-07:00

You've gone too far.

The line has been crossed.

You've fucked up buddy, and I'm pissed. I'm gonna git you sucka, and I'm gonna git you good!

You're messing with my Katie!

Yes, I know I'm in a relationship already with Nicole Richie, but that's just for the sex. Katie is something special to me.

She'd be my soul mate, if I still had a soul. But I like her a lot and I hate that she's being led around by you, you big Hollywood Cocksucker.

Look at how ridiculous you two look together. You're a fucking Keebler elf for crying out loud! I bet you had to stand on a stack of old "Top Gun" videocassettes to even appear this tall in the picture.

Pathetic!

I know you read this butt-log Mr. Cruise. That's why I've written this letter to you.

Read it sucka!

Dear Mr.~~Cruise~~ Fuckhead,

It has come to my attention that you have used your powers of evil to ensnare the lovely Katie Holmes. It has been reported that you are with her because you want to ~~be happy~~ cover up your secret homosexual lifestyle.

I don't know if this is true. I don't know if it is false. All I know is that Katie is mine motherfucker! She doesn't need you, or your millions of dollars, or your fancy ~~religion~~ cult of Scientology.

This is unacceptable, and I'm issuing the challenge for once and for all in front of God and everyone. Me and you Tommy Boy, in a steel cage match, no holds barred fight to the finish. The winner gets the lovely Katie Holmes. The loser gets a nice funeral.

So what do you say chump? I'll be waiting.

Sincerely,

Zombie Flyboy.

But wait there's more.

Seeing as how I now have to fight the guy, providing he's not yellow of course, I did some looking around. A little recon if you will, on the pretty boy, and here's what I found out.

First of all, this fucker is little, way smaller than he appears on the screen. The camera just makes him look bigger, and he uses things like platform shoes, tiny co-stars, and other tricks of the trade to look big. Here is the official chart that shows the heights of several leading actors. You'll note that Tom Cruise barely clears five feet. He's tiny! What do you want to bet his pecker is teeny tiny too?

Not long after finding this, I discovered that like most things in Hollywood, this was compromised of grade A Bullshit. My Zombie-Razzis came through with the real scoop. They obtained some candid photos of Tiny Tom playing basketball with a friend and attending some sort of gathering with his family. The pictures don't lie, and they show Tom to be not just short, but fucking Dwarflike!

Here he is playing basketball. Man that dude he's going up against looks tough!

Here he is at the family event.

But the best photo came from my top man, who was fortunate enough to capture Tiny Tom without his Hollywood makeup on. You'll see that Tom looks much different without stylists, artists, trick cameras, and all that horseshit. He's a big phony baloney, and now he's been exposed.

See for yourself.

Here's the photo as released to the press.

And here's the untouched Tom before the Hollywood Magic is applied.

It's all true people. Tom Cruise is a monster and he must be stopped. Katie is still hot, and there's still time. But we have to act now. Look at what he did to Nicole Kidman. She used to be pretty, now she looks like a space alien.

He'll do the same to Katie if we let him. I for one say enough is enough and it's time to take out the trash.

Who's with me?

You piss! I piss! We all piss, so kiss this!

2005-05-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

It's meme time.

So, evidently the rules are you pick a few of these and then write out your answers. Then you add three more "if I could be a's" at the end. Then you send it on down the line.

Ok.

Here goes nothing.

And by nothing, I mean lots and lots of Zombie Crap!

The (@#$%!!!ing, F--- This List) List

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...(by Ogre)
If I could be a bonnie pirate...(By Teach)
If I could be a servicemember...(By Jeremy)
If I could be a business owner...(By Blue 944)
If I could be an actor... (By Blue 944)
If I could be an agent...(By KelBel)
If I could be video game designer...(By KelBel)
If I could be a comic book artist...(By Stoli)
If I could be a hooker...(By Pollo Loco)
If I could be a crack addict (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a porn star (by Elizabeth)
If I could be a f*cking meme...(Pisser)
If I could be a serial killer...(Pisser)
If I could be a dung beetle...(Pisser)
If I could be an ice cream man...(Zombie Flyboy)
If I could be a dictator of a small country...(Zombie Flyboy)
If I could be a cartoon character...(Zombie Flyboy)

If I could be a scientist, I would capture and study the monstrous rat thing that lives next door and discover what in the hell it actually is. Is it a deformed dog as I've been led to believe, or something much worse such as a twisted, mutated, deaf fat albino child? This is a mystery for the ages, and as a scientist, I would get to the bottom of it.

If I could be a missionary, I'd walk around at the bar and tell the girls I was so good at the sex that a position was named after me. Then they would be so impressed that they would beg to come home with me and let me demonstrate. Or not.

If I could be a porn star, Actually, I am a porn star. I make movies under the name T.T. Boy. If you ever get the chance, check out my work.

If I could be a dung beetle, I'd be the happiest creature on earth. I can't even imagine the sheer joy I would get from making a big ball of dung and then hurling it at someone I dislike. Piling up dung in front of someone's door for them to step in, putting dung in their mailbox, burying their car in dung, man, that would sure be the life. I don't know how long a dung beetle lives. Probably not long. But it's quality, not quantity that counts right?

If I could be a writer, I'd not be boring you to death with these lame answers. Heh.

Ok. That's all. I don't know who I should pass this meme along to, so if you want to pick it up and run with it fine.

And if you don't that's fine too.

Later on pussbags!

This post brought to you in part by Pisser, and also by the letters, F. A. R. and T.

Sharper Than A No. 2 Pencil with Shark Teeth

2005-05-02T02:10:00.000-07:00

So gang, first off and straight up, did any of ya'll watch this shit last night?

It was a movie of the week or something, and it looked pretty damn tight.

It's called:

"Rosie The Retard Sucks Cocks In Hell"

Starring Rosie "The Retard" O'Donnell.

Ok. That's not what it was called. I'm just being my mean-ass, unfit for the public, zombie self. I apologize sincerely for my crude actions and vulgar nature. The movie is actually called, "I hit my big fat pig of a sister in the crotch with a 72' Newport, there was a loud thwap sound, and then the car disappeared."

The movie also stars some dude named Andie Macdowell. I've never heard of him, so I googled up a picture and this is what he looks like.

I don't know what his deal is, but he looks a little on the girly side to me. But hey, I'm not judging. Whatever works for you Andie. Whatever works man.

So did any of you out there in Butt-Logg land watch this movie? If you did, how was it? Did you laugh? Did you cry? Did you shit in your pants and feed it to your deaf fat albino neighbor's monstrosity of a ratlike creature that is supposed to be a fucking dog?

What did you think of the movie?

Do you think it will do for Rosie's career what those delightful "Bill" movies did for the even more delightful Mickey Rooney back in the early 80's?

Man, do I love the "Bill" movies!

Good times.

Ha! Ha! Who am I kidding? None of you motherfuckers watched that shit, or will fess up to watching it anyway. I'll just have to always wonder if this movie was so bad it was good, or just so bad that it was worse than a shit blister.

Hell, I might have watched it, but I can't remember. All the time travelling I do on the weekends, leaves me with a lot of gaps in the memory, kind of like the guy fron that old Science Fiction show, "Condom Leap".

Dr. Sam Becket I think his name was.

Anyway, no one ever said time travel was for the faint of heart. You roll the dice and you take your chances.

Hot damn!

Yo Mama!

And a bag of chips.

How do you afford your Zombie-Roll lifestyle???

2005-04-28T02:16:00.000-07:00

From time to time I discover interesting websites, and being the nice Zombie that I am, I pass them along to you. I lower the overhead and eliminate the middle man, bringing to you the consumer, great butt logs at rock bottom prices!

Prices so low you'll think I'm brain damaged.

Ok. I don't even know what the fuck I'm going on about, so I'll just let you check out the LINK now. Be advised that it's not in English, but if you scroll down a bit you'll see some pictures and video.

Pictures are worth like thousands of words right?

Later on hard ons!

Oooh.... My Weirdy Weirdy One... My Weirdy One... When You Gonna Give Me Some...

2005-04-26T16:40:00.000-07:00

Weir-do Questions!!!!

Right now, that's when.

Weird Question Of The Week

Ok. You're about to be cursed by the evil monkey god Chimp-Ho-Tep. In his extreme monkey mercy, he's giving you two choices. You can either be cursed to walk on all fours like a dog and only be able to communicate by farting and belching, or all of the skin on your body will be changed into lime green colored and extra stinky fish scales. You will be this way forever. Well, not forever, but until you die.

Choose now cursed one!

You say our love is like dynamite. Open your eyes it's like fire and ice.

2005-04-25T02:42:00.000-07:00

Something terrible has happened people.

Fucking Dammit Shitten' Queef Sucking Piss Flap Fecal Fetching Cunt funnel Luck!

I didn't want it to happen. I never intended it to happen.

But happen it did...

What happened???!

Only something miserable, and awful, and unexpected, like a silent but deadly fart in an elevator, or maybe even finding a dead pelican in your bowl of favorite breakfast cereal.

It's bad alright, and I'm embarrassed to even type it out, but my pyschiatrist tells me to write out my thoughts in journal form, because writing out my thoughts will help me to become powerful and supercool, and once this happens I'll have the ability to breakdance at warp speed and everyone will love me, and throw money at me, and want to have my powerful and supercool breakdancing children.

But the joke will be on them, because no child of mine will break dance.

It's a rough life, and I only want the best for my kids, so I'll insist they become jockeys and win the Kentucky Derby every year.

Even leap years.

Because excellence never takes a coffee break.

Hey, that would make an awesome T-shirt slogan no?

Anyway, here is what happened to ruin my life, my day, my future, my past, my present, my DNA, and my poop.

I fell in love with Nicole Ritchie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It's stupid and unexpected, so laugh it up.

Have a party and invite Charles and Camilla. I could give ten shits less.

Nicole is pretty and funny, and she has a magical pussy that can do no wrong.

That makes everything right!

I'm thinking maybe a June wedding, and we'll definitely write our own vows.

Mine will say this:

"We're a story for the ages, like Joanie and Chachi.
I need another hit of Poonabi Wasabi.
So lay down ho and let's get it on.
Chugga Chugga Chugga Chugga Boom Boom Bah!"

Beautiful huh?

You bet your sweet ass it is, but then again, if I've ever been one thing in life, it's a romantic.

Now excuse me people, I have some heroin to smoke.

Oh my god. I have seen the future, and it is pure shit.

2005-04-23T00:53:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what you would look like in 10 years?

20?

Maybe more.

Or what if you had been born the opposite sex?

Well come to this website and find out the horrifying answers to all these questions.

The Ugly Stick

I warn you, the results are not pretty.

This looks like a good movie to me.

2005-04-21T01:54:00.000-07:00

Hi there friends and fiends. The Zombie Flyboy here, working hard, finding all the cool shit, so you don't have to.

It's just what I do.

Today's special entry concerns a recent movie preview I saw. A movie that has hit written all over it.

Check it out!

Everyone loves fast food. It's convenient. It's covered in yummy grease. Sometimes it comes with broken bits of glass inside.

Everyone is happy. Yummy! Yummy! Good for the tummy!

But have you ever wondered where that delicious fast food came from? This summer you are going to find out in what Cherry magazine is calling, "The most shocking film of the modern age. A film so horrific that it will make you defecate uncontrollably while you weep hot tears of urine."

The McDonald's Chainsaw Massacre

Terror so real you'll probably die while you watch!

Based on the shocking true story.

See it with someone you love.

Lordy, Lordy, Where Do The Time Go?

2005-04-19T01:18:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to say about the last few days, except that I don't know where they went.

All I know, is that my house is fucking spotless.

Unlike the mighty Leopard of Africa!

I think I need to eat something now.

Like a can of dirt, or maybe even a gasoline salad.

This is your brain on Beer and Cookie Dough.

2005-04-15T23:32:00.000-07:00

If this makes sense, then god help you.

Zombie Flyboy's Clean The House Drinking Game!

2005-04-15T18:57:00.000-07:00

Ok.

It's Friday fucking night, and my hookup is gone. Everyone else is lame. There ain't shit to do, so I guess it's time to do something constructive. Something that's been needing done for a while.

Yep, it's time to straighten up this shithole of a house I live in.

This is something I really hate to do, but I also hate living like a fucking slob. It's a conflict that rages on and on, sometimes the balance tips one way, sometimes the other. Right now, it's on the side of get off your ass and clean the fucking house Flyboy!

So I will.

"But cleaning the house is boring", you say.

"Tsk. Tsk. My fine friends and online stalkers. Not when you clean house the Zombie Flyboy way!", says me.

Listen up and learn, cause I'm only gonna tell you once fool. Here's what you need to do.

Get your ass down to the store and buy a case or two of the beer of your choice. For binging purposes, I choose Natty Light. It doesn't taste that fab, but I'm gonna be puking it all up in a few hours, so why spend the extra money?

Is that taken care of? Good, now you're ready! Here are the rules.

Zombie Flyboy's Clean The House Drinking Game Rules!

Everytime the vacuum cleaner makes that loud crackle sound or catches on fire, down a beer.

Everytime you fill the dish washer, down a beer.

When you put soap in it, down a beer.

When you hit the start button, down a beer.

For every paper towel you use, down a beer.

For every stray hair you find while cleaning the bathroom, down a beer.

For every piece of furniture or appliance you dust, down a beer.

For every piece of junkmail, or loose paper you pick up, down two beers.

For every time you sit down, take a break, and wonder how your house got so fucking filthy, down two beers.

For every time you consider hiring a maid, down three beers.

For every trash bag you fill up, down three beers.

For every hour you clean, down three beers.

Feel free to add to the list, that's part of the fun!

Well, I guess I need to get to it.

Catch ya'll later!

Here she is! Your Zombie Slut Of The Month, April 2005!

2005-04-14T03:11:00.000-07:00

It was a close race to see who would be chosen as April's Zombie Slut Of The Month, but all the votes are in, and the winner has been named.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for "Big" Bertha Crankshaft. She's a little shy, so make her feel nice and welcome!

Bertha's interests are Hang Gliding, Rock Climbing, Parasailing, and Marathon Running.

Her turn ons include Massive uncircumcised cocks, Bald men, Beastiality, Corn on the cob, Tae Kwon Doe, and Square dancing.

Her turn offs are 50 Cent ringtones, Getting so wet her panties dissolve, Dee Snyder, EZ Bake Oven Brownies, Dirty fingernails, and Men who are fakes.

Heh. Heh. Heh. She sounds like a keeper to me. What say you all?

Everything's Swell. It's Springtime In Hell...

2005-04-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

I live next door to a deaf, fat, albino woman. I call her the DFA. I've never actually spoken with her, due to the fact that she might eat me, and that I'm pretty sure she smells like old asscrack.

I hate the smell of old asscrack.

The DFA has a son, who is as skinny and lazy as she is fat. I'm not sure how he came into existence, since the DFA is about as sexually appealing as an old man's ear hair.

I guess there are a lot of super-freaks (Rest in Peace R.J.) out there in the big wide world, and some of em' love tapping that oh so fine albino ass. I don't know what her son's name is, but like I said, he is lazy, plus he's super spoiled. He wears all the latest wigga styles, drives a new truck, and never, ever, does anything that I can see, except drive around in his truck and play his BOOM, BOOM, BOOM music LOUD, LOUD, LOUD.

I guess the DFA doesn't want her spoiled child to have to do the menial work fit only for the lowly scum sucking non-chosen ones of the world. Hell, she probably still cuts up his food, pre-chews it for him, and wipes his ass after he goes potty.

Get this.

Last night while I was coming in from a beer run, I saw the big screen of their television flickering through the window. I looked closer and saw that they were watching one of the Karate Kid movies. It was impossible to know which one, because I only had a second or two to look, but there was Pat Morita's face, beaming at me from the big screen, like the ghost of cheesy movies past.

Now contrary to what you might have been led to believe so far, this post isn't about them. It's about their new dog, who happens to be a big sack of the cool. I really like her a lot. She's a golden retriever. Her eyes sparkle with intelligence and personality. Her coat shines in the sun like a freshly waxed car. I don't know what her name is, due to my non-relationship with the DFA and spoiled kid, but it's probably, "Champion" or "Winner" or "Better Than Fucking Lassie" or whatever it is that one names the best dogs on Earth. Whenever I'm outside, she always comes to the fence, jumps around, and does awesome doggie ninja moves to impress me.

And impressed I am!

A person would think the DFA and spoiled kid would be as crazy about a great dog like this as I am, but nope, I never see them doing anything with her. They just stay in the house with their original dog, a dog that is so far down on the evolution chart, I'm not sure it's an actual dog. The thing is hideous. It's a monster. The first time I saw it, the thing almost put me into shock. I stared at it for a moment, and in my best Ahhhhnuld voice said, "You're one ugly mother fucker".

The creature is small, maybe the size of a cat. It is made up almost entirely of white hair. The beast is like something from one of those 1950's B-movies where the mad scientists were always playing around with radioactive materials, electricity, and poop.

I am not sure what this abomination against God and Man was created from, but I'm guessing it was a combination of things, quite likely:

A Carol Channing wig.

A sewer rat.

Several soiled diapers.

A possum.

And DNA from Gary Shandling.

Because that sucker has his eyes!

I shit you not! It's creepy!

It's such a loser of a dog. It's probably for the best that it stays in the house 99% of the time, since all the other neighborhood dogs probably point and laugh at it and yell obscenities every time it comes outside to take a dump, or whatever it is that freak dogs do. It works out for me as well, because I certainly don't want to see this pitiful creature any more than is necessary.

What I don't get, is why the dynamic duo of loser-ness prefers the company of this thing over the companionship of the greatest dog ever. It's the equivalent of someone choosing to eat at McDonalds, when they could be eating at a five star restaurant instead.

What a couple of queefmasters!

Well, I think that's all I have to say right now. I think I'll go write some words and music to the post's title, as I think "Everything's Swell. It's Springtime in Hell" would make a bitchin' song.

Later on Ambassadors of Anus!

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose...

2005-04-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I have been a winner!

Everything has worked out great.

And it's still working out.

So I better get me a little more greatness while the getting's good.

Talk to y'all Monday.

Later!

What the FUCK??? Is this MOTHERFUCKING CUNT of a blog rated G and produced by Disney?

2005-04-07T04:21:00.000-07:00

I've realized something people. I've been cussing less and less in my blog lately. I'm not sure why that is, but it's time to tip the balance back to the profane.

And I'll start by saying how cunting stupid the motherfucking, asslicking, ballsucking, smelly snatch of a word "blog" is.

It is a shitblister of a word, and I for one have twatting had it with the sodding term. Every time I say this rotten pussy of a word, I feel like a big loser asshole. Every time I type it too. Why can't we, the writers of all things ass kicking and awesome, have a cool word to describe our activities? Why are we fucked and stuck with suck a wanker of a word? What fat fucking slag is responsible for this hellish thing?

Whoever or whatever is responsible should know this. I will find you, you beady eyed turtle raping anus molester. I'll find you, you evil fucktard from the planet disco, and when I do, you'll wish your limp dicked daddy would have date raped someone else, eliminating the possibility of your ever being born.

Ok, now that you've heard my pissing rant of fucktacular rant-titude, and been fisted in your gloryhole with the cock-like truth of my prickish words, I have a question for all you wonderful sons of bitches.

What is your favorite curse word, or favorite vulgar expression???

Don't be a fuckstick! Tell me now baby!

Give it to me fast and hard!

Yeah baby! Right there! That's it!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Zombie Flyboy Exposed!!!

2005-04-04T23:19:00.000-07:00

I've been to a lot of your blogs. I've seen a lot of you.

Now it's time to see me.

All of me.

Right here.

Right now.

If you have a heart condition, don't look.

Or at the very least, please take your damn medicine.

Because I'm hot.

Damn hot.

Smoking hot.

Better than anything you have ever seen!

Behold the glory of me!

Ok. Calm down and take a number because there is plenty of me to go around.

You know you want a piece of this!!!

Tricks are for Kids. Tattoos are for Rabbits.

2005-04-04T22:54:00.000-07:00

This is what I was talking about.

Is this the inspiration for that great tattoo?

Or do we have ourselves a good old fashion coincidence?

Hey Hey Kids and Klods, It's that time again!

2005-04-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

That's right people, it's your old pal Zombie Flyboy here with this week's

WEIRD QUESTION.

Here is the scenario.

You are convicted of crimes against humanity and sentenced to life imprisonment without parole on the island of maddening madness. To make sure you go completely mad, these beings are sent there to live with you for the rest of your life.

They are:

King Kong Bundy

Barney The Dinosaur

Cybill Shepherd

Fred Durst

Hyacinth Bucket

Jar Jar Binks

Joan Rivers

Kathy Lee Gifford

Weird Peter Pan Guy

Pee Wee Herman

Rosie Odonnell

Survivor's Rupert Boneham

The judge is not without any mercy however, and will allow you a small amount of input on your sentence. He is giving you a few choices about the following things.

1. Sex, (NO MASTURBATION ALLOWED) being defined as full on penetration with a partner, or at the very least, tongue on clit action in the case of girl on girl, is allowed and required on this island. The minimum is one time a week, or you will be punished by having to give rimjobs to everyone on the island. You can only have one partner for the duration of your sentence, which is of course the rest of your life, but the judge is allowing you freedom of choice in this matter. Who do you choose?

2. You will be forever tethered to two of these beings. The bond is unbreakable. There will be no privacy, or alone time. EVER. The judge in his kindness is allowing you to choose who you are tethered to though. Who do you choose?

3. The judge realizes that some of the beings you are staying with might annoy you and drive you prematurely insane. To prevent this from happening, he is giving you the power to kill any two of them, provided they are not among your choices for tethering or sex. The beings you choose will be promptly taken off the island and fed to sharks. Who do you choose for shark bait?

Do Zombies dream of Electric Sheep???

2005-03-31T18:33:00.000-08:00

The answer is no.

Zombies dream of many other extraordinary things.

And by extraordinary, I mean fucking retarded.

Like this.

The suburban sprawl was dimly lit and quiet, the only sound, the noise of my footsteps on hard gray pavement. I walk alone past the un-illuminated shapes of houses, cars, twisted trees, and hedges.

Then I see it up ahead, distant but very clear.

Someone is home.

I traverse the space quickly, purposely, moth-like, towards the warm inviting glow of the window panes. As I get closer, I can hear the sounds of activity, of life. Objects are being moved around. People are talking. The front door now stands before me, the last barrier to what is inside. I reach for the doorknob. It is unlocked and turns freely.

I'm in.

I walk through into the living room, there is nothing either special or not special about it. Almost everything is white, or some shade of there of. The smell of cinnamon is strong in the air, perhaps from a scented candle.

Or maybe magic.

And then I see her. She's a woman I recognize in an instant. A face very familiar to me, one I've seen countless times. Whose house have I stumbled into? Who am I dreaming about?

Is it the oh so lovely, and sweet like Honey, Jessica Alba perhaps?

Or maybe the super terrific, love of my life Katie Holmes?

Fuck no Kokomo.

The woman in my dream is shit sucking Lisa Whelchel aka Blair from "The Facts Of Life".

Vomit! Gag!

Give me a fucking break!

For some reason, this didn't disturb my dream self at all, unlike the very real worries it is now causing my awake and conscious mind.

But back to the dream.

I look at her, and she looks at me. There is a moment of silence and then she smiles. It's the same toothpaste commercial quality smile I remember from the TV show and I compliment her on it, as I am a sucker for a great smile. She smiles even more. Then from out of another room, come two twin girls. They look about 9, and are really cute and pretty. Blair tells me it is their birthday and invites me to come into the kitchen and join them in eating some cake.

I accept the invitation, which is strange, because in real life I never eat cake. I'm just not that fond of the stuff. But apparently, my dream self wants it.

Or maybe I just want to tap Blair's dream twat, and am using cake to make it happen. There is really no way to know what is motivating me at this point.

I follow the two girls and Blair through the door and into a kitchen fit for a fucking king or queen. It has one of those super long rich people tables, high ceilings and chandeliers, and enough cake to feed all of Argentina and some of Peru. There are cakes everywhere. Big ones. Small ones. Square Ones. Round Ones. Every color of the rainbow. It's the damnedest thing I've ever seen.

If I die and go to cake heaven, I'm pretty sure this is what it will look like.

A tuxedo clad butler is suddenly standing amongst us and produces four golden forks. We each take one, and then Blair asks the girls if they are ready to begin. They each nod their heads with vigor, golden locks bouncing like soft yellow clouds. She then asks me if I'm ready, and I just say "Sure." Because it seems like the thing to say, and besides, it was cool when Bill Murray said it in "Ed Wood".

Then we begin to eat.

And mother fucker but those three females can eat.

There is no pretense or illusion of civility here. They are face first in the cakes, drooling, grunting, chewing, as if they have all suddenly become rabid dogs, or sharks in a bloody patch of sea. Their faces quickly are covered in icing and cake crumbs, along with their fancy designer clothing. Suddenly, I find that I am doing the same thing. It's like the cake has a voice and it's singing a siren song to me. I want more and more of it.

Sweet sweet cake!

And then it's over. No transition. No explanation. I'm suddenly back outside the house and now the lights are off. It looks like no one is home. I stand quietly in the yard for a little while, still with the taste of cake in my mouth and still on my mind.

I'm brought out of this by two headlights which penetrate the dark distance ahead and grow larger by the second. It is a taxi cab, big, bright, and yellow like the ones always seen on TV. It pulls over and I walk to it and get in. The driver is someone I recognize also. A most hated face from the past.

Is it Hitler you might ask?

Saddam maybe?

Or maybe even that man in drag, Sandra "Ballsucker" Bullock????!!!

Nope, it is none other than my high school English teacher. A hellish cunt of a woman if there ever was one. I haven't thought of her in years, but here she is, wearing a funky taxi cab driver's hat and smiling. She looks at me for a second and says, "Where to?"

The sun is now beginning to rise, throwing pink and orange rays of fresh new light, over the horizon. I think to myself for a minute, and then reply, "That-a-way." and point east towards the brand new day.

And off we go.

The End.

Then I wake up, and am so mad I want to punch myself in the face. Because this is a really stupid dream. Way stupider than normal. I have no idea what it means, except that maybe I'm a fucktard.

Ok. We all know there's no maybe about that. But if anyone out there is a dream expert, what do you think?

Here is what I think.

ARGH!

Martians Hate Fisting... Film at eleven.

2005-03-31T04:10:00.000-08:00

It's all true.

Those green skinned buggers can't stand the thought of being fisted, or fistings being given out for free.

So they attacked!

And my website was destroyed!!!

If you would like to see what your website looks like attacked by Martians, dinosaurs, and other things, then go here .

Props to Parrothead.

Why don't you go fuck yourself smartass!!

2005-03-28T05:18:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. I hope you all had a fun Easter and that none of you got the shits from eating too much candy and hard boiled eggs.

I'm in the big fat middle of a project (real life shit) that I'll have finished by Tuesday, but until then, I just wanted to give you fuckheads at least a minor update.

Because you're my fuckheads.

And I like you.

Sort of.

Here's a story to tide you over, and it basically goes like this.

I went to the grocery store the other night. Yeah, I know, bad plan, but Zombies got to eat, so there. Anyway, the actual shopping was without incident or aggravation, but it was in the parking lot that everything went bonkers, and I entered the fucking twilight zone.

Or so it seemed.

See, there was this older guy, probably late 60's, early 70's. He's driving one of those big fancy tank like cars that older peeps like to drive, and he pulls in to park. Ok. Fine. Big fucking deal right? Correct. It's what happens next that was weird.

Old dude, gets out of his big shiny car, and starts to walk in the store. His headlights are still on, and they're not showing any signs of turning off, so being the good fucking Samaritan that I am, I ever so gently bring the subject up to him as he's walking by. You know, because it sucks to have a run down car battery.

"Excuse me, sir, did you know that your headlights are still on?" I say.

Old dude stops for a second and looks me up and down. Then he says, "Why don't you go fuck yourself smartass.", and then he walks into the store.

Honestly, I didn't know whether to laugh or beat his old crotchety ass for him, but I was at a complete loss for words, which doesn't happen all that damn much. I mean, yeah, I am a smartass, and yeah, I usually have a certain twinkle in my eye and a smile that is a good indicator that I'm about to pull out your brain and stick my dick in it, but I was trying to be helpful and good here.

Anyway, he zinged me, and he zinged me good, because I still haven't really thought of a clever reply to that yet.

So that's the monday update. I hope y'all enjoyed that little glimpse into the strange toilet bowl existence I call my life.

And if you didn't like it, WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF SMARTASS!!!

If you want to make me the happiest Zombie around...

2005-03-25T01:12:00.000-08:00

BUY ME THIS!

I don't think I'm going to win any money or a flat screen TV.

2005-03-24T18:11:00.000-08:00

March Madness Brackett

I Made My Choices And Then

It All Went To Shit

You know what time it is, and you know the drill.

2005-03-24T15:10:00.000-08:00

Now answer the damn question before I reach through the monitor and fist you like you've never been fisted before.

Weird Question Of The Week

You are cursed to have to give up one of two things, and you have to give up this thing forever. There is no going back. So what do you give up, watching television and movies, or sexual activities of any kind. Yes this includes masturbation, watching other people have sex, and whatever else you pervs think of.

NO SEX or NO TV PROGRAMS/MOVIES.

Forever.

That's the deal.

Which will you give up?

Damn you Global Warming! Damn you right to fucking hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-03-22T17:48:00.000-08:00

Like most people, I like to think I'm environmentally conscientious. I don't litter, and I do try not to pollute the ecosystem as much as possible, but I'll admit I've never been that concerned about global warming.

Until now.

It is March, and I have had to mow my shit-sucking bastard of a yard not once, but twice!

March!!!!!

Not May. Not April.

MARCH!

That just isn't supposed to happen.

I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!

George Bush, get your pollution friendly ass over here!

Mother nature, you get in line too!

There's a new sheriff in town and his name is me. I've had enough of your bullcrap. There will be no more mowing the yard in March, and that's final.

Because it's all fun and games until I have to start mowing the yard.

Once again, I am confused as shit. But this time at least it's not over artwork.

2005-03-22T02:20:00.000-08:00

This time I am confused about the magic powers of the great and powerful mystical ball.

Is it a force of good or for evil? Was it put here to help or to hurt? Can it be used for personal gain, or will trying to do so result in a monkey's paw type of hell on earth. Perhaps even damnation itself?

The vile thing has been perplexing my cold Zombie synapses from the first time I saw it a few days back at my friend from across the ponds way cool website. Go check her out, and while you're there, do say hello and maybe if you smile brightly enough, or are incredibly charming, she might be persuaded to share that great big honking bottle of wine with you.

So go try it out, and get ready for a mindfuck!

Evil Mystical Mindfucking Ball of Awesome Power

If you like Zombie stories, this is what you want right here.

2005-03-21T21:46:00.000-08:00

I noticed that some of you like Vonnegut, and some of you like cookbooks. But I'm here today to elaborate and enlighten you about two of the best Zombie books I've ever read.

Wait a minute, fuck that, these are two of the best books I've ever read, Zombies or not. Period.

These are the be all end all of Zombie stories, chock full of images so vivid and intense, they will stay with you forever. These books will fist your mind with the fury of ten thousand bony Zombie fists!

And you'll say, "Oooooohhhhhh motherfucker! Thank you Zombie sirs and madams, may I have another???!!!!"

I'm pretty sure these books are out of print, but if you ever see one be sure to get it. You will not be sorry. I stake my reputation as the world's coolest Zombie on it.

Book Of The Dead was the first.

It's one hell of an anthology, and it blew my damn mind.

Here is a sample from the story "Mess Hall", by Richard Lawson.

Used without permission, so fuck off Richard, you're getting a free plug here!

"The last of the five girls didn't look peeled, she looked burnt. She bore only a rough resemblance to a human being. She might have been shaped out of mud by a dim-witted child who gave her no fingers or toes or breasts, and poked fingers into the mud to make her eyes. Her crust made papery, crackling sounds as she shuffled past the fire, and pieces flaked off."

Is that not great or what?

This book also has the supremely awesome "On The Far Side Of The Cadillac Desert With Dead Folks" by the great Joe R. Lansdale. Yep, the same Joe R. Lansdale who wrote the story for the movie "Bubba Ho-Tep".

Plus it has a foreword by the man himself, George A. Romero.

The second book in this series is called, "Still Dead: Book Of The Dead 2".

Don't let the seemingly uncreative title fool you, this book is hardcore and filled with talent and imagination. The writers here, take the groundwork laid in the first book and build upon it with great success. Here is a sample of work from the story "Dont/Walk" by Chan McConnel.

Enjoy your plug too Mr. McConnel. You should be thrilled I'm using a part of your story here dude.

"Evan saw his next dead person sitting at a bus stop. It appeared to be an elderly man who had begun to sag into the interstices of the bench planks. He was idly masticating a gob of meat, shiny-slick with a sweat of stale blood. Flies lit on it. Flies crawled on his face. Flies walked into his mouth. Well-fed flies walked out. The man on the bench had no eyes. Just flies."

Hell yeah man, I'm all about those well fed flies!

It's unusual when a sequel is as good as the original, but this book stacks up just fine. The foreword is by Tom Savini, who for those who don't know, did the makeup effects and gags for "Dawn" and "Day", along with some of the "Friday The 13th" movies and countless others. Tom also directed the 1990 remake of "Night", and played the ever so cool Sex Machine in Quentin Tarantino's vampire flick "From Dusk Till Dawn".

Anyway, these are two of my favorite books ever. I've had them for many years, and always come back for more. I love them lots and lots, and if they were people, I would become a mormon so I could marry them both.

The Zombie Flyboy has been Toe-tagged.

2005-03-21T02:45:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I've been tagged.

I didn't even know what that meant and had to look around at the other blogs to get the gist of how it all goes. I think I have it now, so here are my answers to the questions put upon me by that fiend most vile, the evil one, the destroyer of worlds, the one, the only, JessicaRabbit.

1. What book would I like to be?

Wouldn't it be more fun to be a character from a book? Who wants to be a book? That's kind of a shitty deal. But, if I have to actually be a book, I think I would choose the Dictionary. That way, I would know all of the words and not get confused when someone like MadameD tries to have a conversation with me.

2. Have I ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Sure. Who hasn't? I would like to run away with Enid Coleslaw. Then we could be two twisted and crazy fuckups together forever.

3. What is the last book I bought?

I bought three books Saturday, and this is what they are:

Jessica, the cookbook has a recipe for shrimp toast. Does this sound right, or is your shrimp toast something different? It's not like I'll ever make it, but I just thought it was cool that it was in here.

4. What is the last book I read?

This one.

5. What am I currently reading?

I'm currently reading the October Dreams book, and the Cookbook. There's no law that says you have to read only one book at a time is there?

6. What 5 books would I take with me if I was stranded on an Island?

1. Book of the Dead (Not to be confused with the Necronomicon)
2. Still Dead: Book of the Dead 2
3. Breakfast of Champions
4. The Stand
5. I am Legend

7. What 3 people am I going to tag and make answer these questions and why?

Probably no one, because I am an anti-social reject from society and don't have any friends. I might tag Sandy, if Sandy was a blogger, but that's about all I can think of.

Are you having a good day? Do you want to end those happy calm feelings?

2005-03-20T00:40:00.000-08:00

Then you've came to the right place.

There is a game I came across when I went to Cananopie's website of torture and doom.

A horrible, horrible, hellish thing really.

It's a game called Indiana Jones And The Game So Gay You Will Want To Kill Yourself If You Play It!

Be warned, this is not a cool link like the last one I gave you all to check out.

This one is B. A. D.

But I still played it and beat it.

Because I'm a stubborn fuck with no quitting sense at all.

So go on and play this lame turd of a game, and if you make it all the way to the treasure and escape at least you will get a spiffy little ending sequence. It's the only part of this thing that doesn't suck.

Now excuse me while I go and rid this horrible experience from my memory.

If you want to know, I choose to keep my music, because I'm always vomiting all of the time anyway.

2005-03-19T01:22:00.000-08:00

Ok. It has came to my attention that I haven't updated in a day or two. I really hadn't noticed, and didn't think anyone else did either, but, I guess I was wrong.

Like always.

Every day.

Every week.

Every month.

Every year.

Nothing but a big bunch of wrong.

Anyways.

So what have I been up to? Well, it's complicated. And by saying complicated, I simply mean in secret Zombie code, that I've been fighting with a big mean fucker named Evan. It's a fight I can't win.

This is also super-secret zombie code that simply means I've been drinking cheap whiskey and lots of it. So much, that I think perhaps I'll have to get a complete organ transplant tomorrow if not sooner. Maybe I'll die first. Who knows?

But as for right here, right now, I'm still alive and kicking in case any of you wondered. And if you didn't, then go play in the fucking powerlines and fry.

Till you die.
Like a fly.
In a pie.
That's hot.

Not.

Cold.

Well, this has been a buttload of big funny fun now hasn't it?

But hey, even though I'm a despicable, anti-social, fucktard, that doesn't mean I don't have something good for you.

Here, check this out.

This place is so awesome it will make your tits fall off.

You're fucking welcome.

Sometimes I think my life would be better if I had my own personal theme song.

2005-03-16T03:37:00.000-08:00

Hey there care bears, you know what time it is, and you know the drill...

Here is the Weird Question Of The Week.

If you had to live in a world where everyone greeted each other by vomiting blood and putrid bile into each other's face, or a world where music does not exist, which do you choose?

Sometimes... You've just got to say what the fuck.

2005-03-14T01:01:00.000-08:00

Hello world, this is your host Gene Rayburn, welcoming you back to "Truth/Untruth".

Let's take a look at Zombie Flyboy's answers and see how well you all did.

Number 10.
I spent 3 and 1/2 years in prison for killing a man in 96. I was released due to DNA evidence proving my innocence.

That would be a big negatory on that one ghost rider. A big negatory. There have been many times in my life where murder did seem like a viable option, but I never gave in to temptation. So the answer is False.

The Score:

Cananopie 1, Sandy Brown 1, MadameD 0, JessicaRabbit 0, Jessica 1

Number 9.
I've lost a total of five pounds in the last two weeks. My stamina is improving and my jump shot is becoming deadly once more.

There's not much to tell on this one. I'm a far sight from where I want to be, but I am getting there slowly but surely. The answer is true.

The Score:

Cananopie 2, Sandy Brown 2, MadameD 1, JessicaRabbit 1, Jessica 2

Number 8.
After the prom, I made sweet, sweet, love to the prom queen.

This is the one that every one of you low life fuckers thinks couldn't possibly have happened. Well, I'll have you know that the prom queen that year wasn't your typical "Tiffany Amber Michelle" type of slutty stuck up bitch. She was a really cool girl who was in a lot of my classes and she liked me a lot.

But the answer is false. I turned down a good thing in the prom queen for a "Tiffany Amber Michelle" slut faced barbie cheerleader bitch. Because I was young and dumb, and always went for what wasn't right for me. I was really stupid back then. Way stupider than I am now if you can believe that. I wish I had a do over on this.

Once again, the answer is false.

The Score:

Cananopie 3, Sandy Brown 3, MadameD 2, JessicaRabbit 2, Jessica 3

Number 7.

I've never been farther west than Pike's Peak in Colorado.

This is true. I've been to 11 states in all. Boy oh boy, this zombie fucking gets around huh?

The Score:

Cananopie 4, Sandy Brown 4, MadameD 3, JessicaRabbit 2, Jessica 4

Number 6.

I have a lazy eye, and had to wear a dorky as shit eye patch when I was a kid.

Unfortunately, this one is true. The eye patch was supposed to make the lazy eye work and get stronger, and it did, eventually getting damn near 20/20. But the thing is, as soon as I quit with the patch shit, it got lazy again and went back down to it's lazy state of about 60/20. I haven't patched my good eye in years, and probably never will. If my eye is lazy, it's just lazy, and that's ok with me. It's nothing anyone ever notices anyway. It's not like it looks one way, while my other eye looks the other. So once again, the answer to that one is true.

And Cananopie, Dawn does know about this. I think we're going to form a support group for former eye-patch wearing pirate people.

The Score:

Cananopie 4, Sandy Brown 4, MadameD 4, JessicaRabbit 2, Jessica 4

Ok people, we're at the halfway point here and it's still anyone's game. Please stay tuned for the second half of "Truth/Untruth", but first a word from our sponsor.

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Zombo-Brains are free ranged and 100% organic. They are treated with the dignity, respect, and care that you would expect from a Zom-Co Inc. product, and that my friend makes all the difference.

Just compare the brain you'll be getting from Zom-Co Inc. against the leading brand and I think you'll agree that Zombo-Brains are bigger, plumper, and more satisfying than all the rest.

Take it from the Tarman, they're yummy!

Ok friends, we're back for the exciting conclusion of "Truth/Untruth", let's remind everyone, what the score is once again before we start.

The Score:

Cananopie 4, Sandy Brown 4, MadameD 4, JessicaRabbit 2, Jessica 4

Number 5.

When I was in second grade, I fell out of a moving car. It was only going about 25, so I just popped back up like nothing happened and got back in.

It's pretty crazy, but this is true. My mom had picked me up from school, and stupidly, I didn't shut the car door very well. We hadn't traveled very far, when we hit a bump in the road, the door opened, and out I went. It didn't really hurt me, just put a bump on my head, and embarrassed the hell out of me. I mean, you have to be pretty stupid to fall out of a car. I got up really fast and ran up to the car and hopped in. My mom was all pale and freaked out, but I was just, drive man, drive, people are watching us. Don't make this any more embarrassing than it is. After I got home, I put some ice on my head, and all was well. Answer: True.

The Score:

Cananopie 4, Sandy Brown 5, MadameD 5, JessicaRabbit 3, Jessica 4

Number 4.

When I was a young zombie, I used to watch "The Facts of Life" all the time and had an intense crush on Tootie.

I'll admit to watching "The Facts of Life" now and again, but really, I was a "Diff'rent Strokes" kind of guy. As for the crush on Tootie, nope, never happened, although if I was going to crush on any of them, I think it would be her. False

The Score:

Cananopie 4, Sandy Brown 5, MadameD 6, JessicaRabbit 3, Jessica 4

Number 3.

My favorite vegetable is Okra.

Okra is awesome, and I just planted some a couple of days ago. I can't wait until it's ready to eat. I LOVE IT! The answer here, is true.

The Score:

Cananopie 5, Sandy Brown 5, MadameD 6, JessicaRabbit 3, Jessica 5

Number 2.

I wrote a monthly column for my high school newspaper. It was not about Zombies.

This one is true. It was like a blog, but only before blogs existed. I had a lot of fun doing it, and writing it was one of the things I missed the most when I graduated high school. I also wrote movie reviews, an advise column, (once a year) and the occasional filler story.

The Score:

Cananopie 6, Sandy Brown 6, MadameD 7, JessicaRabbit 4, Jessica 6

Number 1.

I am a lineman for the county.

This doesn't have anything to do with me. It's just the beginning of an old country song called "Wichita Lineman". It just popped into my head and I thought if would be funny to have as my last fact. So the answer is false.

The Score:

Cananopie 7, Sandy Brown 7, MadameD 7, JessicaRabbit 4, Jessica 7

So that's the final score. We have a four way tie for first place, and since I have not set up a tie breaker, I guess everybody wins.

Even JessicaRabbit!

That's all for today folks, tune in next time for another exciting episode of "Truth/Untruth". I'm Gene Rayburn, wishing you a most excellent night.

Please give a warm welcome to the newest member of the Zombie household.

2005-03-13T21:38:00.000-08:00

He was given to me by my neighbors, who seemed really relieved that I would take him off their hands. I don't know why they were in such a hurry to get rid of him, and they were acting kind of weird about it, but I'm sure it was just the stress of losing such a great cat.

What was really weird, was that after they gave him to me, they all loaded up into the family car and just left. Right in the middle of the night. That was 2 days ago, and now there is a for sale sign in their yard.

Pretty weird I say.

Anyway, here is a picture of him. I think he's cute.

And speaking of weird, I haven't had a cat in years, so maybe it's just me, but Mr. Natas (That's what the cat is named.) seems a little strange. Maybe some of you who read my blog and have cats can help me out with proper/improper feline behavior.

What I want to know is this.

Is it normal for a cat to growl and hiss constantly?

Is it normal that every time a cat enters the room, the doors and windows start opening and shutting, and just banging around like crazy?

Is it normal to sometimes here deep, booming, voices laughing in the next room, and then go to check it out, and only find the cat in there by himself?

Is it normal for the cat to stare at me constantly and scratch his claws against each other?

I think it's just that he's sensitive and shy, and the new environment is taking him a little bit to get adjusted to. I'm sure we'll have a lifetime of friendship and love ahead of us.

Hang on, I have to go check on him. I think he started a fire or something.

Plus I hear those voices again.

Murder needs no ghosts come from the grave. The assassin is a man of flesh and blood and I will discover him.

2005-03-11T17:35:00.000-08:00

Hey out there in blogger land, it's time to play "Truth/Untruth", the hot new game that's sweeping the nation.

I'm your host, Gene Rayburn, and what you, the person playing along will have to do is read ten facts about the Zombie Flyboy, but some of them are not true. Your task is to ascertain which facts are true, and which are untrue.

Ready? Good!

It's time to play, Truth/Untruth!!!!

10. I spent 3 and 1/2 years in prison for killing a man in 96. I was released due to DNA evidence proving my innocence.
9. I've lost a total of five pounds in the last two weeks. My stamina is improving and my jump shot is becoming deadly once more.
8. After the prom, I made sweet, sweet, love to the prom queen.
7. I've never been farther west than Pike's Peak in Colorado.
6. I have a lazy eye, and had to wear a dorky as shit eye patch when I was a kid.
5. When I was in second grade, I fell out of a moving car. It was only going about 25, so I just popped back up like nothing happened and got back in.
4. When I was a young zombie, I used to watch "The Facts of Life" all the time and had an intense crush on Tootie.
3. My favorite vegetable is Okra.
2. I wrote a monthly column for my high school newspaper. It was not about Zombies.
1. I am a lineman for the county.

Thanks for playing, the answers will be posted in a few days, and a winner or winners will be announced thereafter.

That's all for today! I'm Gene Rayburn wishing you a drunken night of excessive decadence!

Coming Soon To A Theatre Near You...

2005-03-10T16:36:00.000-08:00

First there was...

Then came the unmatched fury of...

Now, comes the most shocking, terrifying, mind altering experience to ever hit the movies...

Run Forrest Run!

Coming July 2005.

This film has not yet been rated.

Muggen Speaks! Straight from the horse's mouth, the mystery picture is explained.

2005-03-09T02:20:00.000-08:00

"Hey there over the ocean. Let me help you in my bad english. Thanks for appreciating the picture. To understand it completely you have to known that the picture I've made comes from Belgium. People speaks dutch in one part of my country and French in the other part. The flemish people speaks dutch but there is a little difference between the official dutch (Holland).

The original work is Broodthaers' musselpot. In my fantasy I let two politicians (Dewever and Daems) 'remake' the original work.Dewever, a wellknown nationalist (he is a rabiate Flemish and don't like the French speaking part) changes the mussels in to a cock. This beast is the official symbol of Wallonië, the French-speaking part of Belgium. So, in fact he's saying by his work 'you french-part ', you can in the pot symbolising he doesn't like them at all.

Rik Daems is a liberal and he calls himself an artist, a painter but nobody in the world likes his work. Recently he bought a article of dress from Brigitta a well known flemish babe. Because his own work sucks , with the article of dress hiw paintings become MAYBE some 'value'. Brigitta in the pot means that he likes the girl very much because he's bringing her to the boil. A mussel is also a synonym for a female pussy (in our language)... but to understand it completely it would be easy you were Belgians.Greetings from Belgium, succes with your blog."

Thank you for that Muggen. I think I speak for all of us when I say, that it is incredibly cool that you came here and tried to help us understand the artwork. It is appreciated, and you are welcome back anytime.

All the best to you and yours,
-Zombie Flyboy

P.S. Once again, THANK YOU!

Which came first the chicken or the naked chick? The Saga Continues.

2005-03-08T17:00:00.000-08:00

Hey out there in Zombie-land, I know you're all simply fascinated by the cock/pussy photo posted below, and I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my cold Zombie heart for your time and investigations on this matter.

I think we've uncovered about all there is to uncover in this matter, but a funny by-product of my own curiosity has been confusion and amusement by the Belgium person who owns the blog with the strange picture. He/She's trying to figure me out, I'm trying to figure the picture out, and the result has been one big crazy fucking dance of monkey shit insanity.

All in all, it's awesomeness I think.

Here are two entries he/she has made concerning my blog and our investigation.

Entry 1: This was probably in response to my asking what the picture meant on his/her blog.

help him!

You keep it not for possible. I leave "Bart Dewever" and "Rik Daems" treat a known work of Broodthaers and the final result begeestert one or other American concerning the ocean who is visitors call him to help to understand what means my collage. He who sense have to do once freaky, him can help on gone by means of comments on its bizarre web-unwieldly in my place.

posted by [ muggenbeet ] @ 9.20 AM

Entry 2: Apparently he's been keeping up with our investigations and is as confused and amused as we are.

They are busy.

The American blog which my drawing of the cock and Callens in the mussel pot has taken over (to see below) have already a lot responses of other Americans who try on the question answer what which drawing could mean in godsnaam. Funnily to read it. They have been with translators busy but do not come. Some have , however, come already behind that Dewever and Daems politicians are. That is already a lot. But that of that cock and which naked woman does not understand... that them. And Flemish, is that now an own language? Or is it a dialect of Dutch? Who will help does she once?

posted by [ muggenbeet ] @ 10.28 PM

I think it's all pretty funny, and the language translation software out there is just fucking brutal. To me, his/her blog is about collecting interesting and funny pictures. Ya'll should go check it out. I like the one with the pig, and with Hayacinth Bucket, or whatever that English chick's name is.

She's a funny old bat.

So rock on all you shiny diamonds, cause I'm out of here!

Ok. I admit it. I am stumped, puzzled, and confused as shit.

2005-03-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

What is this?

What does it mean?

Can anyone read this language and help me out?

I have been obsessed with this picture since I saw it about 10 minutes ago. There's a rooster, and then there's a naked girl. What can it mean? What can it mean?

Come on now brain. Think motherfucker! THINK!

Weird Question Of The Week

2005-03-06T20:35:00.000-08:00

Hey there pukes and pussholes, it seems like it was only yesterday when I was asking you about poop and piss. But yes indeed, an entire week has passed (where does the time go?) and now it is time once more for...

THE WEIRD QUESTION OF THE WEEK!!!

You have two choices.

Choice A.

You will be paid $1 million dollars tax free. It's yours today to do with what you will. The only catch is that if you accept the money, all of the skin on your body will become covered in hard, peanut brittle like growths that occasionally ooze out a black tar like substance. The condition will be non-life threatening, but there is no cure.

Choice B.

You will be paid $100 thousand dollars tax free. It's yours today and you can do with it whatever you want. The only catch is, if you accept the money, all of your fingers and toes will fall off. It will not be possible to re-attach them, and there will be no finger/toe transplantations to help you. You will be toeless and fingerless for the rest of your life.

Which do you choose?

Kill The Brain, And You Kill The Ghoul

2005-03-05T01:46:00.000-08:00

This is just a test really. I played around with the text size a little. I made it BIG, then I shrank it down, but it should still be big enough to see easily. Plus, I hacked back into the blogger codes and corrected a big flaw that was pissing me off with the way IE displayed my lovely Fun With Zombies banner. I think everything is corrected, and the banner will no longer disappear.

Why do all this work?

For you. I do it all for you. My wonderful and gracious reader.

Anyhow, it's late, I gotta get up early, so this will be all for now.

Later Gators and Happy Fisting to you all.

This public service announcement was brought to you by Zombie Flyboy, the hardest working Zombie in the Blogbusiness.

Hey Ma! Look what I can do!

2005-03-05T00:04:00.000-08:00

Kids.

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Reports, incredible as they may seem, are not the results of mass hysteria.

2005-03-04T02:29:00.000-08:00

Hey out there in Zombie-land. Your favorite local traffic reporter here, the Zombie Flyboy, providing you with all the best loved hits of the 70's, 80's, 90's and beyond.

I don't have any traffic news for you today, but I do have something that you might find of interest. It's a news report that has to be seen to be fucking believed. It's right up there at the top of the list as far as fucktard shit goes. It's right up there with suing a restaurant for making the coffee too hot, or demanding actions and compensations because you are too fat to fit in a chair. It's just ridiculous to the extreme, and it makes my head hurt to know that shit like this can happen.

So without further delay, here is the article. Special thanks to CANANOPIE for alerting me to this situation.

March 3: Teen horror writer arrested as terrorist

Kentucky’s Lex 18 news site reports that an 18-year-old high-school student is facing terrorist threat charges because of a zombie story he wrote for his English class. William Poole, an 18-year-old student at George Rogers Clark High School, was arrested after his grandparents found the tale, in which the undead attack a high school, in his journal and turned it over to police. "I’ve been working on one of my short stories, [and] the short story they found was about zombies," Poole told Lex 18. "Yes, it did say a high school. It was about a high school overrun by zombies." Despite the obviously fantastical nature of his writing, and the fact that neither his own school nor any real people, school officials or police were mentioned in the story, Poole was taken into custody on a second-degree felony terrorist threatening charge. "Anytime you make any threat or possess matter involving a school or function, it’s a felony in the state of Kentucky," Winchester Police detective Steven Caudill told Lex 18. A judge even raised Poole’s bond from $1,000 to $5,000 at the prosecutors’ request, due to the "seriousness" of the charges. Poole is currently being held at the Clark County Detention Center. (Thanks to Dyson O’Connor) —Michael Gingold

Source: http://www.fangoria.com/news_article.php?id=3646

A Zombie Haiku. From me to you.

2005-03-03T16:41:00.000-08:00

George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine

Great George Foreman Grill
Cooker Of Meats Clean Unclean
You knock out my fat

I am the Duke of New York. I am A-Number-One!

2005-03-03T02:17:00.000-08:00

Because I have absolutely nothing else to throw at you, here are...

10 more Zombie Flyboy facts:

10. My eye color is currently bloodshot. I have no idea why.
9. I was Snake Plissken for Halloween this year. A lot of people didn't know who that was, and it pissed me off.
8. I hate chapped lips, both on myself and others.
7. I dislike bugs of all kinds, and will kill them on sight. The only good bug is a dead bug.
6. I used to believe that the movie, "Planet of The Apes" was based on a true story. This is because I was a really stupid kid.
5. I am the only person I know who doesn't own a cell phone.
6. I wear a size 11 shoe.
7. If you make loud smacking, chewing noises when you eat, I'll stick a fucking spoon in your eye.
8. I love riding roller coasters.
9. I hate Scrappy Doo.
10. I wish I was tall. I hate being a cursed midget with no hops.