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Saturday, February 05, 2005

Sometimes I'm an ass, and when I'm not an ass, I'm still an ass.


So there's this girl who calls Zombie Central about once or twice a month, and always asks for someone named Victoria. I have never known anyone in my entire life with the name Victoria, and there certainly is no Victoria living in my house, so being the super-duper, in your fucking face Mr. Sherlock Holmes, creature of intellect and reasoning that I am, have deduced that the caller has a chronic case of wrong-number-itis.

I really don't think she is crank calling me or anything, and based on her voice she sounds like she is a young girl probably about 13 or 14, weighs about 110 pounds, stands about 5'4, has black hair, and brown eyes.

Anyway, she called again today, and instead of just saying, "Nope, I think you have the wrong number", I instead was overtaken by my mischievous instincts, and did this instead.

Ring.... Ring.... Ring....

ZFB: "Hello, evil incorporated. How may I help you today?"

Unknown caller girl: "Yeah. Is Victoria there?"

ZFB: "Yeah, just a second, I'll go get her."

Unknown caller girl: Pauses a sec. "O.K."

A few seconds later...

ZFB (in female voice): "Hello. This is Victoria."

Long Pause...

Unknown caller girl: "Uh... Who is this really?"

ZFB (back in normal voice): "Sorry, I was just screwing with you. You have the wrong number."

Unknown caller girl: "Uh. Ok." Nervous laughter. "Sorry. Bye."

ZFB: "Bye."

Hang up.

Now you have to understand something before I go any further. I have a fairly deep voice, and there is no way I can pass for anything remotely female. In fact, my female voice sounds exactly like Homer Simpson did when he tried to impersonate Mr. Burn's mother.

Which is to say, funny, weird, and really fucked up.

Anyways, I felt a little bit bad for messing with the kid, but it's not like I did anything mean to her. And besides, she's called my house like 40 or 50 times since I moved here a couple or three years ago.

You dial that many wrong numbers, you deal with the consequences. That's what your old pal Zombie Flyboy says.

And that's that.

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