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Monday, April 11, 2005

Everything's Swell. It's Springtime In Hell...

I live next door to a deaf, fat, albino woman. I call her the DFA. I've never actually spoken with her, due to the fact that she might eat me, and that I'm pretty sure she smells like old asscrack.

I hate the smell of old asscrack.

The DFA has a son, who is as skinny and lazy as she is fat. I'm not sure how he came into existence, since the DFA is about as sexually appealing as an old man's ear hair.

I guess there are a lot of super-freaks (Rest in Peace R.J.) out there in the big wide world, and some of em' love tapping that oh so fine albino ass. I don't know what her son's name is, but like I said, he is lazy, plus he's super spoiled. He wears all the latest wigga styles, drives a new truck, and never, ever, does anything that I can see, except drive around in his truck and play his BOOM, BOOM, BOOM music LOUD, LOUD, LOUD.

I guess the DFA doesn't want her spoiled child to have to do the menial work fit only for the lowly scum sucking non-chosen ones of the world. Hell, she probably still cuts up his food, pre-chews it for him, and wipes his ass after he goes potty.

Get this.

Last night while I was coming in from a beer run, I saw the big screen of their television flickering through the window. I looked closer and saw that they were watching one of the Karate Kid movies. It was impossible to know which one, because I only had a second or two to look, but there was Pat Morita's face, beaming at me from the big screen, like the ghost of cheesy movies past.

Now contrary to what you might have been led to believe so far, this post isn't about them. It's about their new dog, who happens to be a big sack of the cool. I really like her a lot. She's a golden retriever. Her eyes sparkle with intelligence and personality. Her coat shines in the sun like a freshly waxed car. I don't know what her name is, due to my non-relationship with the DFA and spoiled kid, but it's probably, "Champion" or "Winner" or "Better Than Fucking Lassie" or whatever it is that one names the best dogs on Earth. Whenever I'm outside, she always comes to the fence, jumps around, and does awesome doggie ninja moves to impress me.

And impressed I am!

A person would think the DFA and spoiled kid would be as crazy about a great dog like this as I am, but nope, I never see them doing anything with her. They just stay in the house with their original dog, a dog that is so far down on the evolution chart, I'm not sure it's an actual dog. The thing is hideous. It's a monster. The first time I saw it, the thing almost put me into shock. I stared at it for a moment, and in my best Ahhhhnuld voice said, "You're one ugly mother fucker".

The creature is small, maybe the size of a cat. It is made up almost entirely of white hair. The beast is like something from one of those 1950's B-movies where the mad scientists were always playing around with radioactive materials, electricity, and poop.

I am not sure what this abomination against God and Man was created from, but I'm guessing it was a combination of things, quite likely:

A Carol Channing wig.

A sewer rat.

Several soiled diapers.

A possum.

And DNA from Gary Shandling.

Because that sucker has his eyes!

I shit you not! It's creepy!

It's such a loser of a dog. It's probably for the best that it stays in the house 99% of the time, since all the other neighborhood dogs probably point and laugh at it and yell obscenities every time it comes outside to take a dump, or whatever it is that freak dogs do. It works out for me as well, because I certainly don't want to see this pitiful creature any more than is necessary.

What I don't get, is why the dynamic duo of loser-ness prefers the company of this thing over the companionship of the greatest dog ever. It's the equivalent of someone choosing to eat at McDonalds, when they could be eating at a five star restaurant instead.

What a couple of queefmasters!

Well, I think that's all I have to say right now. I think I'll go write some words and music to the post's title, as I think "Everything's Swell. It's Springtime in Hell" would make a bitchin' song.

Later on Ambassadors of Anus!

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