Something terrible has happened people.

Fucking Dammit Shitten' Queef Sucking Piss Flap Fecal Fetching Cunt funnel Luck!

I didn't want it to happen. I never intended it to happen.

But happen it did...

What happened???!

Only something miserable, and awful, and unexpected, like a silent but deadly fart in an elevator, or maybe even finding a dead pelican in your bowl of favorite breakfast cereal.



It's bad alright, and I'm embarrassed to even type it out, but my pyschiatrist tells me to write out my thoughts in journal form, because writing out my thoughts will help me to become powerful and supercool, and once this happens I'll have the ability to breakdance at warp speed and everyone will love me, and throw money at me, and want to have my powerful and supercool breakdancing children.



But the joke will be on them, because no child of mine will break dance.



It's a rough life, and I only want the best for my kids, so I'll insist they become jockeys and win the Kentucky Derby every year.



Even leap years.

Because excellence never takes a coffee break.

Hey, that would make an awesome T-shirt slogan no?

Anyway, here is what happened to ruin my life, my day, my future, my past, my present, my DNA, and my poop.

I fell in love with Nicole Ritchie.



Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It's stupid and unexpected, so laugh it up.

Have a party and invite Charles and Camilla. I could give ten shits less.



Nicole is pretty and funny, and she has a magical pussy that can do no wrong.

That makes everything right!

I'm thinking maybe a June wedding, and we'll definitely write our own vows.

Mine will say this:



"We're a story for the ages, like Joanie and Chachi.
I need another hit of Poonabi Wasabi.
So lay down ho and let's get it on.
Chugga Chugga Chugga Chugga Boom Boom Bah!"

Beautiful huh?

You bet your sweet ass it is, but then again, if I've ever been one thing in life, it's a romantic.

Now excuse me people, I have some heroin to smoke.