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Friday, May 13, 2005

Happy Friday The 13th!

Hey out there in shitland, it's Friday the 13th time, and that's always a cool time in my book. And seeing how it's that special day, I think I'll talk about a subject that is near and dear to my cold dead heart.

That's right!

The Friday the 13th movies!

I gave you all a little bit of an introduction to this franchise on my Mother's Day post, but in this thread, I'm going to talk about the movies and that wacky, wacky, man of a million laughs, Mr. Jason Voorhees himself. There will be spoilers in these writings, so if you haven't seen the movies and want to remain as untouched and intact as a fat kid on prom night, then I recommend you read no further.

Heh. I recommend that you read no further anyway. This butt log causes brain damage and explosive diarrhea.

But hey, if you're the brave sort...

Or just dumb.

Here is:

Zombie Flyboy's Analysis of the Friday the 13th movie franchise.


My analysis will only cover the first four movies, because these are the definitive Friday movies. Parts one through four tell a story, with a beginning, middle and an end. After part four, the series becomes less about this story and more about "Zombie Jason" and his trusty machete. This isn't a bad thing; it just is what it is. Of the latter movies, I recommend part six pretty highly. It's good fun, plus Jason gets to kill Arnold Horseshack. What the fuck can't you not love about that?


It all started back in 1980. Thanks to a low budget movie that killed at the box office called "Halloween", a crappy studio filled with big assholes, Paramount, decided to cash in on the horror craze, and thus Friday the 13th was born. This was the first real "blood and guts" horror movie I ever saw at the theatre, so it will always bring back fond memories of axes in the head, crazy Ralph, Pamela Voorhees, decapitations, and of course, Kevin Bacon's rather pointy boner.

The funny thing about this movie is that people nowadays associate Jason with Friday the 13th, but in this movie, he's mentioned a bit, but only appears in a trippy and grotesque sequence at the very end. This movie is all about momma, and the insane rage for revenge. The common interpretation (I have my own theories and will touch on them later) is that Pamela's beloved son Jason died because the camp counselors were off screwing, doing dope, and not paying attention. This brought about the revenge, the bloodshed and the eventual death by decapitation of Momma Voorhees herself.

Friday the 13th part 2 is where the plot starts to get a little tricky. This is where Jason makes his return from the watery grave to avenge the killing of his super cool mom, and make every last man, woman, and child pay dearly for entering the grounds of Camp Crystal Lake aka Camp Blood. And man, is that Jason vicious, where in the past, momma might have let the likes of Crazy Ralph escape, Mr. Voorhees, doesn't show mercy to anyone. He can be tricked though, and I love the sequence where the frightened girl puts on Pamela's sweater and tells Jason what a good boy he has been. That's some good stuff right there. Another note about part two that surprises some people is that Jason doesn't have his trademark hockey mask.

Instead he wears a bag over his head, much like the killer in the movie, "The Town That Dreaded Sundown".

I saw Friday the 13th part 3 at the drive in, and man it was a lot of fun. The irony of watching a bunch of horny, drug using teens get slaughtered on screen, while being surrounded by carloads of them was lost on my young mind, but the movie was a kick. It was in 3D, which was kind of making a comeback of sorts at the time, and thus kind of gimmicky, but I didn't mind. Not all of it worked particularly well, but the spear gun shot in the eye was pretty sweet. The most memorable part of this movie was that about halfway through or more, Jason got his hockey mask, and completed his transformation from "Run of the Mill Movie Slasher" to horror icon.

I don't like this movie as well as the first two, mostly because the lead actress sucks harder than a sea monkey addict on steroids with a vacuum cleaner for a mouth. The story wasn't quite as good either, I think because it centered around the horrible lead actress, but there is some interesting back-story of Jason living in the woods to be found if you can tolerate the crappyness.

With part 4, the movie came full circle, and Jason finally met his match in a young Corey Feldman. That's right. Corey Feldman. This movie isn't shown much for some reason, and I really don't know why. The gore effects are well done and provided by the man, Tom Savini, and the cast also includes a dancing Crispin Glover, and a couple of hot twins.

What's not to like?

Nothing, that's what motherfucker!

The plot isn't much. It's pretty much a carbon copy of the others. People go somewhere they shouldn't. Then they die.

But what sets this one apart is a pretty cool Jason hunter (He let me down though because he died rather easily), and the fact that Jason does in fact bite the dust. Thus ending the saga of the wacky Voorhees family once and for all.

Well, until Jason rises from the grave in part six anyway.

And yeah, I can count. I know I skipped part 5, but Jason wasn't in that movie, so put that in your trash can full of ticks, lice, chiggers, and flies, and smoke it.

Alright, now that I've given you a little information on the series, here is where the fun starts. This is where I tell you the real dirt on what went down in these movies. The real story. No longer will you be an ignorant turd who prays for death. Now you can be one of the few, the proud, the Friday informed.

As you know in the first one, Pamela is the killer. But what most of you don't know is that she was a really domineering mother. She smothered her son, mothered him to no end until he just couldn't take it anymore. Thus, he swam out that fateful day and faked his drowning to get away from momma and start a new life of peace and quiet out in the woods as a hermit. His mother, filled with rage and sadness over the loss of her boy, went on a killing spree. Jason looked on from the woods, but always stayed out of sight, because he knew if he ever revealed what happened, that momma would turn her anger on him.

And that would never do.

In time Jason grew into a man, an ugly, twisted, evil man of the woods, but a man nonetheless. He watched over the years as his momma killed and killed again. And he learned. Boy did he learn. The desire to join in the fun was tempting, but his fear of his mother's rage was enough to keep him out of the game, until the fateful night when his mother finally messed with the wrong counselor.

Then, it was go time.

Time for Jason to shine!

A lot of people are confused by the way the first movie ends because of the attack by little boy Jason upon the final survivor who has spent the night out on Camp Crystal Lake in a canoe. It's a trippy sequence, and it made me jump back in the day, but really, it's just a mind fuck. It's a dream sequence. Jason wasn't a young boy then. He was a grown man, watching from the woods. There is just no way to explain how the rotten corpse of a boy could rise from the dead, and grow into a big adult man in a years time, which is the amount of time between the sequels.

Further evidence for my viewpoint occurs in part 2, as Jason runs, shows emotion, can be hurt, bleeds, and displays a very cool sense of humor. These are not the qualities that come from a dead boy who has been fish food for years and years. These are the qualities of a living person.

Before going further, I'd like to go back to the sense of humor topic, because I'm sure not many think of Jason, as being a laugh riot, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. Jason's sense of humor is just as sharp as his blade, and the movies prove it time and time again.

Just watch them again, and pay close attention to the way dead bodies are made to pop out like horrific jack in the boxes, fall out of attic trapdoors, and pitch forth out of closets at just the right time to scare the hell out of whoever it is that Jason is stalking. This shit didn't just happen. Jason had to think ahead and plan this all out. He had to think of what would scare the people the most, and then he had to drag around those unsightly corpses and prepare his little gauntlet of fun. I can just picture him, humming a happy little tune, and breaking into a soft chuckle from time to time as he thought of how much fun it was all going to be when some doofus teenager would fall into his trap.

It's brilliant, and good fun. Now never let anyone tell you Jason doesn't know how to have a good time.

Anyway, part 3 is more of the same, Jason runs, toys with people, and even gets a little horny, if you believe what the worst lead actress ever has to say. He takes a pretty good shot to the head and goes down for the count too. He's mistaken for dead and hauled off, but he wakes up just in time to slaughter a new batch of dumb fucks in part 4.

It all goes pretty well until Corey Feldman comes along and does the cha cha cha on Jason's head.

Thus concludes the Friday saga, and ushers in the age of "Zombie Jason". That's right, I consider Jason to be a zombie now. He's undead and powered by a lightning bolt just like Frankenstein.

But that's a different subject for a different time.

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!

Ki Ki Ki... Ma Ma Ma...

P.S. Check out the cool Momma Voorhees doll I found on the net. Kick ass huh? I want one bad!

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