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But not as sexy as me! HoooooWAHHHHH!!!
Don't say I didn't warn you sucker!
Mercy is for the weak!
It's smart Jerry! It's smart! And I'm not dumbing it down for you!
This is the best game in history!

Monday, August 08, 2005

Sometimes turds don't flush.

They just keep coming back and annoying the hell out of you.

Hey, hey, ladies, gentlemen, and scientologists of the world.

I’m back!

That’s right, the flyboy is back in the world of the butt logs.

I'm tougher than Mr. T.

Nastier than Tara Reid’s tummy.

Dirtier than Paris Hilton’s hacked cell phone.

And randier than a rooster with five peckers!

So get ready you donkey raping shit eaters, because I’m here.

I’m now.

And I’m bringing it!!!

I'm Zombie Flyboy, now hear me roar!!!


Now you’re probably wondering where I’ve been, what I’ve been up to, that sort of thing. And yeah, your curiosity is kind of justified, what with me being an internet superstar, prince among zombies, and just all around swell dude. It’s only natural. And don’t for a second think I didn’t appreciate the emails of concern for my well being, and inquiries as to when I would return to posting. I did, and I still do. Thank you very, very much.

I never intended to stay away this long, and I feel kind of embarrassed about it. Not as embarassed as I felt when I got drunk on Brass Monkey back in 92 and discovered to my horror than I now had “I heart Scott Baio” tattooed on my ass. That was much worse.

My embarrassment is more on the level of the time I dressed up as Balki Bartokomous for Halloween back in 87. It's bad, but I can recover. Anyway, back to the subject.

The point is, I missed seeing you all and hope you aren't too pissed off at my tendency to freak out like Howard Hughes and just disappear from time to time.

I’ve always enjoyed the summer, and always seem to get caught up in it. There is so much to do, so many places to go, so many sluts to bang, so many cases of Natty light to drink, it all piles up on a zombie. The months just seem to fly by, like money shots in a gang bang. May becomes June, June transitions to July, July quickly melts into August, until one day you wake up with the worst hangover ever, a lawsuit against you for corporate fraud in Argentina, a suitcase full of uncut cocaine, and a helper monkey named Keanu. It’s a trip man, a hell of a ride. Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah!

I just love me some summer.

And doing things all summer.

And things doing me all summer.

Well, you get the drift.

So, in honor of all the pissed off mopey fucking school kids who are about to return to classes, I dedicate my “what I did this summer” flavored post of pain, torture, and poop.

Did I say poop? Oh well, fuck it, poop is the funniest word of all time, next to Spermwhale, which actually is two words, but who cares because comedy can’t count for shit.

Shit being a cruder word for poop of course.

Poop. Shit. Poop. Poop. Poop. Fart. Shit.

What I did this summer.

By Zombie Flyboy


Ok. I was still kind of posting during this month, but secret projects were a-boiling that’s for damn sure. The biggest project of this month, was filming my appearance in the Lindsay Lohan hit, “Herbie: Fully Loaded”. I didn’t really want to be in a movie like this, but my agent and pet cat Mr. Natas, forged my name onto a contract and I was therefore legally bound to co-star in this shit fest explosion of Disney hog vomit.

My agent and loyal kitty cat Mr. Natas.

I play the role of Rich “Cuntkiller” Golden, a smooth talking rebel who lives by his own set of rules. The film has this one big running gag, where I am always tripping and falling on top of Lindsay, and then titty fucking her until she pisses her pants. This happens all throughout the movie, and is quite funny I assure you.

Sadly, my character didn’t test well with preview audiences and all of my scenes were cut. This would piss me off normally, but really now, it’s “Herbie: Fully Loaded”. Who gives a shit?

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha HA!

Their loss!


Intrigued by my fun and entertaining experiences in show biz, I continued to pursue my acting career. With Mr. Natas pimping my acting talents to the world, the offers soon came pouring in. I quickly signed on to film a promotion for Burger King’s all new “Brainburger”. It will be available in September, so look for it, enjoy it, and watch my commercial. Why do a Burger King ad? Two reasons. One, as a zombie, I love to eat brains. And two, I get to show off my singing and songwriting talents. Hey, any publicity is good publicity right? Sure it is.

Here are the lyrics that go with the song:

“Oh, I love the tender crisp bacon cheddar brains.
The buns they come from ass.
There’s a lot of things that make me wanna sing.
Decapitations, constipation.
Severed limbs, regurgitation.
Puss filled sores from dirty whores.
And the tender crisp bacon cheddar brains.
The tender crisp bacon cheddar brains.”

Shortly after my Burger King ad wrapped, Mr. Natas became even more vigilant in his efforts to find me work as an actor. This led to of all places, Mexico, where I filmed 37 hardcore pornographic movies under the name of T.T. Boy Sanchez. I have to tell you, it was a fantastic experience, and I look forward to returning to the beautiful Mexican people and their lovely country soon.

P.S. I love you Tera. You're the best!


Filming 37 hardcore pornographic movies is fun, I'm not gonna lie to you, but even zombies need rest. So I relaxed a few days and then decided to take a trip to the ever so peaceful mountains of BRA-zil, where I hiked, snorted heroin, and panned for gold.

Much treasure and good times were had by all, especially me. I then returned from the grand and beautiful peaks of the plentiful valley and spent the rest of the month frolicking on the beach with some girls I met in a filthy gas station bathroom. How did we all meet in such a shady place? That is another story for another time, but rest assured, the scorching case of crotch rot was worth it.

Mmmmmmmm. Scorching case of crotch rot…


And now we’re here, August, the present. What have I been doing this month? I’ve got four words for you baby cakes.


That’s right. I am now the lord of the dance. I’ve trained secretly for years, biding my time, waiting for just the right moment, and now it is finally here. I will be touring nationwide with my super sexy team of dancing crack whores. This is history in the making folks. You have to see it to believe it. I’m so fucking erotic, hot, and dead sexy when I dance that if you don't find yourself in the street humping fire hydrants after the show, I will personally refund your money. That is my ironclad and personal guarantee of satisfaction.

So there you have it friends and fiends, that was my summer and what I did with it. I hope all your questions have been answered and that you enjoyed the re-telling of my ultra cool adventures. I’m not back totally yet, as I still have my dancing gig the rest of the month, but be assured, I will be back to posting on a fairly regular basis soon, and that sightings of me will not be so rare.

Peace and chicken grease motherfuckers!

See you around.

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