Learn all about the flyboy. Or not.
But not as sexy as me! HoooooWAHHHHH!!!
Don't say I didn't warn you sucker!
Mercy is for the weak!
It's smart Jerry! It's smart! And I'm not dumbing it down for you!
This is the best game in history!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

This is pretty much bullshit, but if you want to read it go ahead.

Hey there ducks and turtles! I'm still trying to get back in the swing of things so to speak here. You know, just get used to posting something every once in a while again. So here goes. This is the behind the scenes dirt on the making of my "What I did this Summer" post.


Or don't!

1. Mr. T.

Yeah, I know he's older now and not working much, but the star of "D.C. Fucking Cab" doesn't work for free either. He only allowed me to use his image after cutting him a nice check for $50 and giving him back end points on the gross. I had no idea what he was talking about, but seeing as he wasn't in the mood for jibba jabba, agreed.

2. Tara Reid.

I like to photoshop people. You all know that. But in case you didn't know, that's her actual stomach. I didn't touch it, and I won't touch it. Ever. It looks like silly putty that was sculpted by Satan. Fuck!

3. Paris Hilton.

She likes it rough. And so does her now ex-best buddy Nicole Richie.

4. The Rooster with five peckers.

You really have to look close, but they're there. If you can't see them, just keep staring at the picture until your eyes begin to water. That means you're almost there.

5. Scott Baio.

Ok. I know there's some confusion here about whether I like the guy or not. Let me state this in the clearest terms, I DO NOT WANT CHARLES IN CHARGE OF ME! MY NAME ISN"T JOANIE AND I DO NOT LOVE CHACHI!

I was wasted. I found the tattoo later. I don't know who did it. It's a great mystery for the ages, like the Bermuda triangle, the face on mars, and how Scott got all those hot ass chicks throughout the years.

6. Bronson Pinchot.

How this guy never became a household name, I'll never know. He's gold! Pure Gold!

7. Mr. Natas.

He's my cat. He came from hell. This is his picture. What more needs to be said?

8. Lindsay Lohan.

A lot of you have probably wondered things about this young lady, such as, are her boobs real, or is she a stupid slut? Well, here's the scoop. Sadly, her boobs are fake. I was hoping they were real, but no. Is she a stupid slut? Well, if you called her that, you'd be half right.

9. Brainburger.

Yes, this is the same suit worn by Darius Rucker in his BK commercial. The cheap fucks were too tight to buy a new one, so that's what I had to wear. It had to be let out in the crotch though, as my cock is way bigger than his.

10. Amar A Un Zombie.

What can I say? I love Tera and I loved working with her. She's a true professional in every sense of the word.

11. Gold.

If you ever get a chance, I highly recommend the mountains of BRA-zil. Be careful though, you might get lost in them.

12. Beach Blanket Crotch Rot.

This might be my favorite of all the summer experiences. Oh how I loved my time on the beach with these whores. But did you know that the girl on the far right in the white hat is none other than Britney "Chaotic" Spears? And that the ultra cool bathing suit I'm wearing once belonged to Beatle's great John Lennon? It's true. Pretty cool huh?

13. Lord Of The Dance.

A lot of people think I use blood capsules to bite down on during my sexy dancing, but nope, it's the real deal. None of that fake shit for me. And I go through at least four pairs of those extra spiffy velvet pants a night due to my constant and huge erections.

14. Sasquatch.

I was heavily influenced by a show called "Bigfoot and Wildboy" when I was a young zombie. Any of you magnificent bastards ever saw it? Please tell me I didn't just imagine the whole thing.

15. You're still reading this shit???!!!!

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