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Monday, February 27, 2006

There is definitely a glitch in the matrix here.

Ok, the other day, I was at Dawn's fantabulous site and came across this thing called my heritage.

It's basically a face recognition program that scans your face and then tells you who you look like. I guess the plan is to help you track down long lost relatives or some shit. I don't know. What I do know, is that I was intrigued, and had to try it out for myself.

So how did my scan go?

Well, let's just say that my ugly, beastly, mug, really, and I mean REALLY fucked that sucker up. For the tiny, tiny, tiny, few who read this buttlog and have actually seen me, prepare to laugh.

This is pretty weird.

My matches.

David Blaine

OK. He's ugly, I'm ugly. I don't look exactly like this, but we both share the same hateful expression, have stupid looking facial hair, and mean eyes. Plus we are both magical. So this one is pretty far off, but we do share a few things in common I guess.

Dalida: (January 17, 1933 - May 3, 1987) was an Egyptian-born singer, of Italian origin, making her career in France. She received 55 golden records and was the first songstress to get a diamond disc.

I didn't know her, so thought I'd post some details. I don't know that I look anything like that, being a MAN and all, but at least she's kinda pretty. It does kind of concern me that my next to the best match for who I look like was a woman though.

Selma Blair

Come on My Heritage. Come on. Selma is a hot chick. Rob Schneider is a hot chick. I am NOT a HOT CHICK! I look nothing like this. Ok, maybe our basic features look a little alike, and I do mean a little, but shit man. Why does this thing keep saying I look like a girl? Fucker!

Lukas Moodysson: A swedish filmmaker.

I had no idea who he was so provided a little info. I am more this guys color than the previous people, and I do look a tiny bit like him. But once again, not very damn much. Oh well, at least it's saying I'm a man again.

Liam Aiken: Born January 7th, 1990, in New York City, it was apparent from the beginning that Liam was a natural actor. With his eyes and facial moves, he has been compared to Jim Carrey, but when it comes to character portrayals, Liam is his own person, with his own unique style. Liam attends school and when on the set, he has a tutor who gives him his homework.

Now I look like a fucking child? What is this crap? Bah! Fooey! I do have cool eyes and facial moves though.

Namie Amuro: Amuro Namie was one of the most popular pop singers in Japan during the 90s and perhaps the most successful of all time. Namie's musical talent and dance abilities combined with her charisma and uncanny stage presence has won the hearts of fans all around the world.

This one is pretty far off, but not as much as I first thought. I guess my asian matches come from my native american heritage. Yeah, my irish and whatever else fucked up my tan, making me a white, sunshine hating freak, but I do have some non-caucasion features . And once again My Heritage, I am not a woman! Jeez.

Juliette Lewis

I am getting very, very, confused. Do I look like a woman? Do I look like this tardo? Maybe? No? Fuck if I know!

Emmy Rossum: Starred in "The Day After Tomorrow" and "Mystic River".

I think she's quite pretty, but I can say for damn certain I look nothing like her. Nothing. If I did, she would be working in a meat packing plant in South Dakota or something, as she'd be too ugly to star in movies. I do have female relatives who look kind of like that though. Sort of. Hmmm.

Mamoru Oshi: Born August 8, 1951 in Tokyo is a Japanese animation and live-action film writer and director. Presently, Oshii lives in Atami, Shizuoka prefecture, Japan with his dogs – a basset hound named Gabriel and a mutt named Daniel.

Well, the good news is that I at least match another guy. However, I look NOTHING like that. I don't know where the match came from there. No idea at all. Maybe the round face. My face is a little roundish.

Ashley Olsen

Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag. I am the long lost Olsen Triplet. Now it can be told. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Well, that was fun and more than a little strange. You all should definitely give it a try. See if it does better for you than me. If you took the top four and morphed them together, you might be able to come up with something that looks a little like me. It's possible I guess.

I really do think people who are mutts with questionable pedigrees like me are harder to scan. I think that's why it thought I was white, jewish, italian, and whatever else.

I still am not sure why it thinks I look like all these women though. Believe me, I am all man baby.


Don't make me whip out my GIANT SLALOM!

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