As many of you know, I recently discovered that the no talent sperm receptacle Jessica Simpson had stolen my birthday.

This angered me greatly.

As many of you also know, when I get mad, I get even. So off to my million dollar research facilities, hidden somewhere in the mountains of lower Kanza-Loompara, I went. I had only been there a few minutes when my special ZOM-CO brand computers (patent pending) began to spit out some alarming data. I checked and I double checked to make certain no errors had been made. I narrowed the parameters. I reconfigured the flux capacitor. I pounded the flange hydrocellator.

I even drank some purple soda, but that is another experiment for another time.

The results remained the same.

A shocking correlation had been discovered.

I just had to make sure.

So finally, I ran the last test with my own ZOM-CO brand facial recognition software (patent pending). My software is always right, and never fucks up the way that shit software did a while back. You know, the shit software that said I looked like super tardo Juliet Lewis.

I DO NOT LOOK LIKE THIS!



ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway.

Here is what my investigation has uncovered...

Jessica Simpson is really Michael Jackson!


Click To Enlarge

This is a time lapsed montage of Jessica Simpson's disguise being broken down and removed by my super awesome ZOM-CO brand computer and special ZOM-CO brand software (patent pending).

Now you know why you've never seen pictures of the two of them taken together. Now you know why Nick divorced her skeezy over-rated and untalented poop-hole.

But this is only the beginning I'm sure. My awesome as fuck ZOM-CO brand computers (patent pending) are still on the job and I'm not through with this birthday stealing shit blister by a long shot.

Stay tuned for more dirt and shocking secrets.

Booyah!